#like actual options. not because of money but bc of my family and their reactions and judgements

[youuuimeanmee]

ILY Reread Time!

*Prologue-Ep 2*

I've been wishing for a total reread for awhile, from start to finish (bc usually I'm more of a jumper). I have a bad habit of not finishing what I decided to do, so this time, I'm gonna try to take it easy & slowly to reach the goal.

⚠️Spoilers. I've read ILY until the latest episode. I remember most of it but I forgot about the little things. Suffice to say, I'm gonna link my re-reading experience to what I know from the future episodes. So if you are completely new to I Love Yoo, please keep walking. But if you're the same as me, welcome!

The prologue

I've re-read it a few times before, and I haven't found anything new yet.

I know Nol & Kou have a cameo

The rain (& Nol's outfit) is still making me confused of the timing of this prologue (is it prior to ep 1 or the future)

I know Alyssa has a cameo

I'm reminded that little!Shinae was heavily scorned by the adults bc of what her mother did (embezzling the charity money & fled), she got bullied by the kids bc they imitated their parents' reaction,

Simhan was distressed bc he couldn't keep his family together, and one of his child turned out to be not his,

The girl with yellow eyes is not supposed to have yellow eyes and it's the Webtoon's fault for pushing their agenda on Quimchee.

Episode 1

Oh yeah, Shinae got 68 on her chemistry test. It's not as bad as I remember. Not a bad score, but certainly isn't enough to get a flawless homerun for scholarship.

Little does she know she'll prob get to college from "other means" (*cough*Yui*cough*).

I've been wondering if in the future she'll become a "stripper" "for real"; not literally, but more like she'll dive into the Kim & Hirahara's dark industry upon Yui's pressure.

I miss the trio's girl interaction, tbh.

I hope the reason why Maya is pushing the dating agenda in this ep is not because she wants to separate Shinae & Minhyuk (i hope she forgot abt it), but more bc she loves to tease Shinae. Bc at this point of the timeline, I'd like to believe her friendship with Shinae can be genuine as long as Minhyuk is not there to focus his attention on Shinae (but myb I remembered the details of Maya's past wrong, who knows).

Aww did Rika suggested a burger place to cheer Shinae up? That's so sweet 😭

Shinae having trouble with money, job, and college is already stressed out in ep 1, huh, I forgot. (so the same problem as the present :"D)

I had wondered if becoming a rich housewife is a foreshadowing or some sort (IF Nol is successful in the future and marry Shinae, lmao. but this is Quimchee we're talking about, so, eh. who knows. Myb it's just a sign that she will consider the housewife option in the future, regardless of the path she take later).

I'm surprised Shinae's not actually against love & dating so early in the story! She's not against it, she's just traumatized (which means she's against it? lol).

Aww poor Dieter, you got a bad luck for the confession's timing. She just had a bad memory with her parents' marriage, and 30 minutes later, you confessed. Plus, you two barely interacted before. Ofc she gonna say no 🤣😭

Episode 2

Maya, are you hung up on the fact that Dieter's a German simply bc he's a foreigner, or bc you've been reading again. Is there a Foreigner x Y/N in your manga? Lol.

I wonder what makes Shinae hesitated a little before she rejected Dieter, though. What kind of gentle words she's gonna use before she picked a firm "no."

Oh yeah, Shinae ordered orange soda bc she loves oranges...

Why did Maya & Rika had water instead of anything else though, are they on a diet?

Kinda makes me wonder if Maya simply loves pineapple, or the taste of Hawaiian burger, or she's trying to eat burger with less guilt if she incoorperate a healthy fruit into it. Maybe all of it, lol.

Wait, I forgot, who is Rika's father again? is it confirmed it's Jayce?? It was a popular theory, I think it's been debunked(??) but I forgot.

Sigh... she has nooo idea what awaits her at that party... The Hirahara party that changes her life forever... Unfortunately things that will fill her stomach in that party is not food, but drama... and more gastric acid...

Uh, I forgot, why did that jerk tag along, again? I think it's explained in much future eps but...

Uhh, yeah, why did the boys pick a burger place of all places. Why not, like, a German restaurant or smth. Is it because of Nol? He said he'll pay, so does it mean he's the one who choose this place?? (Stalkyoo is destinied to meet upon their love for burgers?? 😭)

Who is Nol messaged with btw, Soushi or Alyssa? Kou?

Wait... why is that jerk smiling? Because he already recognized Shinae?? Bc he knew Shinae would hear him?? He expected her to just cry?? The fact that he brings up her past, of all things... yep, he must've wanted to rile her up.

OH.... that project. 🥲 Alyssa off-screen cameo again, lol.

And wow, the fact that Nol got triggered enough to stand up for a stranger... What's on his mind at that time. Is it because the jerk insulted someone important to Dieter? Or is Nol just easily triggered when someone is talking shit about people against their back (bc he knows how it feels to be treated like that)? Or is it a mix? (ofc it's a mix, why wouldn't it be... nothing is b&w in this world).

Oh WAIT that manipulative asshole. He knew from the start how Shinae would react if he badmouth her & her friends. He did it on purpose to show Dieter "See that girl is crazy!" because Dieter didn't believe his words!

Nol's first pov on Shinae (unconsciously?) be like: "so this girl is Dieter's huge crush... she kinda cute... she's been sitting behind me all this time, so she heard it all?? She knew that jerk kept badmouthing and spreading rumors about her, yet, she didn't bother to get up and defend herself until he insulted her friends? She only stand up if it's for her friends? She's kinda like me... omg she even apologize for the accidental throw and offer to make amends...! even if her method is kinda... but she really cleaned my suit! Not that I care about my suit, but she's such a responsible person... I can see why Dieter has a crush on her... I mean, I would, too... she's so cool... wait, I forgot to get angry at her behalf."

Is he for real. He's clearly in awe with her. Is his first thinking deadass "wow what a great gal I can't wait to meet her at the party so I can hook her up with my friend!" and not "wow what a great gal I can't wait to meet her at the party because I want to know more about her!" ???? Like, is he deadass FR 😭😭😭😭

Why is Maya blushing tho, is it bc Nol is a foreigner? Bc Nol is that hot when his hair is wet?? Or is it his gaze at Shinae that makes him hotter?? Way to go, Maya, for informing (Nol) that Shinae's gonna be there at the party! OMG Maya has been Stalkyoo's cupid since day 1?? 🤣

Andd of course. As Nol put his interest on Shinae, there's a painting of the shire Bilbo Baggins' House behind Nol. "The biggest epic journey begin!" XD

I think that's it for today. I don't have a goal of finishing X numbers of eps in a day/week or smth, my goal is just to finish re-reading entirely, from start to finish, no matter how long it takes me.

Let's hope I can pull it off 🤞

[heniareth]

also an npc fmk for balance! 8 Zevran, Alistair, and Morrigan

Heck yes!!! Lovely people, lovely people- difficult question.

8. share a car with, share a bank account with, share a cake with

You know, it's very funny, because my first reaction was that I trust none of these characters that I love very much with neither my car nor my bank account. To be fair though, I would share bank account or car with almost nobody except family and I'm imagining them as strangers, so let's say we've known each other well for some time and are flatmates for the next foreseeable future. Like, a decade, give or take. Relationships are platonic. Romance throws in some variables. We share a household. On to the question itself!

(Ah crud I'm the only one in that flat who'se had a stable family unit during my whole childhood alright let's go).

I'll nominate Alistair as the sharer of the car, mainly because I'm pretty confident that it would work well. He seems like someone who'd drive responsibly. Neither of us would be good at keeping up with mechanical check-ups or the insurance, probably, but we'd make it work as a team. I think he'd be up for that.

I think I'll share the bank account with Zevran. I'm a bit hesitant bc he strikes me as someone who doesn't plan ahead much, but I think he'd be more involved in the account's management than Morrigan AND he knows what money is worth. I'll take that. I would like somebody to do this together with. We could make it fun! Discuss it over some special snacks or something

And I'll share a cake with Morrigan. Not only because Zevran and Alistair have taken over the other options, tho. It's also because this poor woman probably seldomly had cake, let alone a birthday, and she deserves good stuff damnit! I'd get her some sort of a fruit cake that was more sour than sweet bc I'm not sure how much sugar she's had in her life and I don't want to alienate her from the glorious experience that is baked goods with something too sweet. Or maybe something with coffee? Morrigan looks like someone who'd enjoy coffee. You know what, maybe she should choose, since this is an experience supposed to be nice for her.

And there we go! Sharings assigned! I can see Zev and Alistair pouting at me bc they didn't get cake, but maybe I can save up some pieces for them. Take them back home to the flatmates. It's not like Morrigan and I would be able to finish a whole cake alone. Or would we? 👀👀👀👀👀

Thanks for the ask! It briefly stressed me out before I remembered that I don't actually have to give anybody control over my bank account, and from that point on it was a lot of fun XD XD Have a lovely day!!

Here's the ask game in case anyone's curious

[iiinejghafa]

bc we’re on the last two episodes of secret forest, here’s a long ass dump all my predictions/thoughts that nobody asked for!

SPOILERS FOR EPISODES 1-14

disclaimer: this is all very likely wrong lol my confidence has plummeted after i was so off the mark about dong-jae’s kidnapper LOL

also, i apologize if any of this is repetitive or if i missed/forgot/misinterpreted something as i 1) have only seen each episode once as they’ve aired and 2) have not ventured into any tags on social media beyond checking a few blogs for gifs, so i have no idea about any of the theories/ideas/commentary/etc that have been floating around.

ANYWAY

I think Choi is the mastermind behind everything, from the Park Gwang-su cover up to the false witness and note. While Woo is undoubtedly also shady and involved in Park’s murder to some degree, he’s unsubtle and emotional whereas Choi is more composed and perceptive, and she has the resources and intellect to pull off the fake note business without being caught.

I think she orchestrated the “prosecution is framing the police” scheme because the more I think about it, the less it makes sense that Kim or Woo would do something like this. It went against their own interests as prosecutors (delaying finding Dong-jae, who we now know was assaulted for reasons completely unrelated to Park Gwang-su) other than some sympathy points and, more importantly, it implies a level of certainty that Dong-jae wouldn’t be found. In other words, the culprit, who likely didn’t (confidently) know who the real kidnapper was or the likelihood of them being caught, knew that everything could get exposed as a scam, and I don’t believe Woo or Kim are dumb enough to risk sabotaging themselves so badly, especially when it was one of their own who was kidnapped. Was Choi planning on throwing one of them - maybe Kim, since she and Woo are in cahoots - under the bus by framing them in the event the culprit was caught?

In episode 14, Yeo-jin expresses to Choi that she is frustrated that she didn’t make the connection between the drowning victim’s shoes and his father’s comments about getting a job to pay for them, which may have led them to the culprit sooner. Choi says nothing but recalls a similar conversation when she spoke with him. What if she did make the connection back then?

I sadly think Detective Jang is involved with Choi/the culprit, specifically the fake note if not more than that. While I noticed his slightly off behavior throughout the season, it didn’t click for me that he could be involved until episode 14 when he has a gash on his cheek out of nowhere and his behavior with Hu-jeong (standing ominously outside his cell, looking frustrated with his replication of the note) and with the false witness (appearing disinterested but looking constantly between the chief and witness as if nervous/expectant, the camera putting him in frame often despite not speaking at all, and lingering on shots of him staring at the witness as Si-mok comes in and as he leaves the room). I think he got roped into Choi’s scheme either through her directly or via the tall aggressive ex-chief (the segok cop’s uncle idr his name lol), initially on the basis of sharing views on investigative rights and so on but then getting pulled in too deep.

While I hope this is red herring or that Jang pushed back against whoever was trying to use him/blackmail him - a sort of redemption for season 1 - the more I’ve thought about the less likely I think this is, though I believe either way he has no malicious intent.

Jang has come off as run-down, disillusioned, and even bitter (especially with respect to Yeo-jin’s new status and power) towards the system this season, which didn’t seem relevant until this most recent episode with his off-putting appearance in front of Hu-jeong’s cell and then his odd behavior in the interrogation room with his chief and the false witness.

I think he may have been blackmailed into writing the note, or at least was convinced it wasn’t a horrible thing to do/was ultimately harmless (a la season 1, with handing over the hotel footage to Kim by breaking into Yeo-jin’s laptop). In my opinion he’s a simple, straightforward guy: he’s not unintelligent by any means, but I don’t think he deeply considers the implications of what he does at times and/or is easily swayed by others if it seems to serve his best interest.

His family has been mentioned a few times this season, which is a lot for Secret Forest, so my guess is that this was abused by Choi if she dug up something compelling like an illness or complication with his new child. Also, early in the investigation he proposed the idea that Dong-jae was being dramatic/would reappear, downplaying his disappearance.

It just occurred to me that this could provide context for the note: “I washed the dishes too late.“ Did Jang identify with Dong-jae’s career-familial conflict and pull from his own experience?

Choi was looking for someone for the council that almost precisely fit Jang’s description, knowing Yeo-jin still had ties to her old department and worked with Jang. I don’t know the reasons or motive for this other than possibly his connection to Yeo-jin/Si-mok and his loyalty to the police.

I don’t think she’s careless enough to directly work with Jang, so I can see her using the tall burly ex-chief (probably also with blackmail about his nephew) and working through him. My reasoning for the ex-chief being involved is that the show made a point to establish that he and Choi know each other, not just verbally but through a flashback (which have been comparatively rare this season compared to the first), and in my opinion implies they have some sort of relationship.

I think Jang sent Mr. Yoon the package. My first thought had been Si-mok but knew it was unlikely (and I couldn’t think of a realistic, in-character reason for it), and now in hindsight Jang is really the only option that makes sense since out of the investigative team only Jang, Si-mok, and Yeo-jin returned this season.

Sticking with Choi being the culprit, I think out of desperation to avoid exposure she will use Si-mok and Yeo-jin’s relationship against them, whether it’s by threatening their careers or well-being or by framing them. She has called out Yeo-jin’s feelings for Si-mok a few times already, and others have noticed their closeness by now (even Woo and Kim, who probably had no concept of their friendship until episode 12) and know they are persistent and will pursue the Park Gwang-su case until the end.

I’m leaning towards Yeo-jin being targeted. Si-mok has been repeatedly pointed out as a problem by Woo, Choi, and Yeon-jae, and I think they will quickly realize that he won’t drop the Gwang-su case even when ordered to. It’s well-known that he has no regard for his career or well-being - e.g., he doesn’t care about getting yelled at by his superiors, isn’t career motivated, etc. - so I can see Yeo-jin being identified as a potential weak spot for him because of their relationship. It could just be her career that’s threatened, as that’s something that matters a lot to Yeo-jin and in turn would upset Si-mok, but given the precedent of Park Gwang-su’s murder/cover-up and the fake note/witness, I’m betting it will escalate to a direct threat against Yeo-jin whether it’s framing her for a crime or harming her.

This also lends itself to my Choi theory as between her, Yeon-jae, Woo, and Kim, she’s the only one who has not only perceived and called out Yeo-jin’s feelings but has repeatedly identified her relationship with Si-mok as a problem (other than Woo acknowledging it during their coffee date, but he was later confused by Yeo-jin running after Si-mok during the council meeting) and would potentially gamble on Yeo-jin being a weakness.

As an aside, the episode 15 preview shows Si-mok interrogating women who Park Gwang-su allegedly sent money to before his death, which might be a step too close to the truth for the culprit’s comfort and compel them to act.

Also, it’s worth noting that a theme with Si-mok this season is the concept of him being “stressed”/“worried” and not understanding what that emotion is to him. After his conversation with Kim where he denied being stressed he had a massive headache, had a headache at the meeting and didn’t agree with Yeo-jin that it was because he was worried about Dong-jae, and asked how someone looked when they were worried so he could look for signs in Woo. He didn’t have a big reaction on-screen to Dong-jae being found despite how stressed he was by the case and if anything the Park Gwang-su case is far more dangerous to investigate, so I think we’re in for at least one more headache and him being in a stressful/worrying situation, likely because of something happening to Yeo-jin. 

Si-mok may have unintentionally foreshadowed this in episode 14 during his act with the witness when he asked if any harm would come to him if he indicted him.

I think the third man in the vacation house was someone involved with Hanjo, most likely Mr. Lee or the brother. I forget which one of them is taking the PTSD medication, but it would make sense that they are on it after being traumatized by whatever happened at the vacation house. All I can gauge from the events of the night is that Woo or one of the Lees (likely the brother as we’ve seen his face this season) poisoned Park Gwang-su in Woo’s presence and Choi covered it up to make it look like a heart attack.

Choi does directly ask Yeon-jae if someone from Hanjo was on the property, but with the confirmation of a third man I think this may have been to feel her out on how much she actually knows about that night.

I genuinely don’t know Choi’s motives other than protecting Woo (though I feel like she’ll throw him under the bus when given the chance) so I feel like there’s another reason she’s so invested.

There are other little things I hope get addressed (Dong-jae’s junior’s panicked reaction to being asked about his relationships, Choi’s daughter, Si-mok and his mother) and a lot of other scrambled thoughts leading into this finale but these are my more concrete, evidence-based conclusions lol. Regardless I’m really looking forward to seeing what happens!

[bluemoon-writer]

TSI - Chapter 1 Notes

Here are my full notes and commentary for Chapter 1 of my Harry Potter fic 'The Snake Inside'.

Chapter 1 can be found here.

Throughout the chapter there are numbers in parentheses, these numbers correspond to the below notes. To best understand what I’m talking about in the notes I would recommend opening the story in a second tab and following along from there.

(notes begin under the cut)

1. This is, if you hadn’t noticed, lifted directly from the book, I do do this a couple times however, this is the only one that is italicized. I’m going to try and point out the other instances in chapter notes as well.

2. Another line lifted from the book, although here it has slightly different context

3. This was another line from the book, although again it has slightly different context (also I swear these notes aren’t just going to be me citing passages from the book)

4. I was actually really conflicted over this. Dudley is obviously incredibly spoiled so I figured it made sense that if for once Harry had something that he didn’t that he would throw a fit and demand he get the same. What I wasn’t confident about was how Petunia or Vernon would react as they really do love Dudley, shown by how much they spoil him. In this scenario, I decided that Petunia’s hatred of magic plus her fear of losing Dudley to magic (just like she lost her sister) would drive her to hit Dudley.

5. The first signs of Harry’s sneaky Slytherin side! He reads the room and chooses the best manner to approach the situation, something he would be good at considering he grew up in an abusive household. He would likely have gotten very good at reading moods and acting accordingly at a young age to avoid being hit or yelled at.

6. It might seem like Harry is a little quick to believe in Hogwarts and want to go considering he knows nothing about it. But, it’s an escape from the Dursleys and the terrible school they were going to send him to. Plus, it’s obvious that the Dursleys hate magic, so why would they lie to Harry about him being a wizard?

7. I know in canon Hogwarts is free, but that simply doesn’t make sense to me. In my world, Hogwarts is the best and most elite school in Britain, but it’s not the only one. There are also smaller ‘public’ wizarding schools that people who can’t afford Hogwarts go to. Also, if Hogwarts has a tuition then it only makes sense to me that the Potter Parents would set up an education fund for Harry, especially since their lives were at risk, they would want to make sure that Harry would be able to get the best education possible.

8. Some more Slytherin sneakiness, Harry isn’t a master manipulator by any means but he’s lived with the Dursleys for 11 years, he knows how to play them.

9. I don’t write it in bc it seemed unnecessary, but she does explain her reasoning off-screen.

10. Some foreshadowing here, I thought I was rather clever, finding a logical way for Harry and Vernon to learn how to enter the train platform.

11. This whole paragraph is my attempt at showing how Harry is still just a kid who’s curious about the new world he’s found himself in. I know I write Harry (and all the characters his age) as being a little more mature than they probably would be in reality, so here I was trying to show a pure, childlike curiosity and also some trains of thought that aren’t totally logical bc he is a kid.

12. I do think the Dursleys, or Vernon at least, is more clever than he gets credit for, he is high up in Grunnings, so he has to have some sort of head on his shoulders, and he’s certainly self-serving we saw in book 2 how he lathered up those rich people he wanted to impress. So, I think as much as Vernon might hate magic and think goblins are disgusting, that he would very much be able to put that aside if he thought it might benefit him.

13. The goblins ‘revealing the truth’ to Harry, or giving him or helping him out in some way is kinda over done and doesn’t always make sense as the goblins really have no reason so want to go out of their way to help Harry. But, I needed an unbiased 3rd party to teach Harry a little about the wizarding world and I figured a satisfactory motivation for the goblins would be making money in the form of consultation fees.

14. The first hints of Dumbledore’s manipulations. He wants a naïve Savior who will be easy for him to influence and shape into the person he thinks the world needs. Note, I’m not going for an evil Dumbledore, just a morally grey Dumbledore.

15. Paper business refers to the practice of owning a business on paper but not being involved in how it’s currently ran, I’m not trying to say that the Potters own several companies that sell paper. I don’t know if this is a common term, when I googled it nothing came up, but my dad uses it a lot when talking about businesses. Also, we know in canon that the Potters are rich but in a lot of fics it has evolved into them being extremely wealthy and influential. I’m running with this fanon idea because the Potters are a very old family, they’ve been around since the 12thcentury and married into other very influential families in canon. Also, if I ever get to the later years I do want to mess around with some politics and Harry having power from his family name will be a necessary advantage.

16. I’m not going to bore you guys with paragraphs detailing just how exceedingly rich Harry is, if he can’t even do anything with what he owns yet. He’s 11, he’s not going to be making any smart investments.

17. Like I said earlier with the tuition vault, the Potters were soldiers in a war, they knew they might die and I think it’s only logical that they would take precautions to ensure that Harry would have a comfortable life should they die.

18. This might seem like a lot, but again, the Potters are rich and they want their only child to be able to have a comfortable life even if they die, plus it is supposed to last until Harry’s an adult.

19. This is not canon, JKR said that a galleon is approx. 5 British pounds. I think that’s too low, so I changed it. I mean, it’s solid gold and the highest form of currency it’s got to be worth more than that.

20. Trying to give Dumbledore the benefit of the doubt, but of course Vernon is going to be suspicious of anyone who took money that he could have used.

21. This is just something that I thought made sense, Gringotts has been established as being in the business of making money and how can they do that if they’re cut off from part of their clientele?

22. I’m trying to go in a new direction with the Dursleys, I’m not trying to redeem them, but like Dumbledore, they’re in a grey area, especially Vernon. I think a self-serving Vernon would be interested in learning more about the magic world, or more specifically learning what it can do for him. But also because you need to know your enemy, as interested as he might be in profiting off magic, Vernon doesn’t trust wizards. As for Harry, this is a Slytherin AU, of course he’s going to play along with his uncle’s plan as long as it benefits him.

23. This is another line from the book

24. Hints that Dean is actually a halfblood and not muggleborn, this is canon too. I’m looking forward to exploring the future “tracking down who my real dad was arc”

25. Originally, I had Harry meet Hermione and her family, but I decided to change it to Dean because I wanted to go down some different avenues. A lot of Slytherin Harry stories have Harry becoming friends with Hermione early on despite their differences and I didn’t want to just do the same thing as everyone else. Also, I really like Dean Thomas’s character he’s a friendly, good natured, brave and loyal. I also think that Harry would get along better with Dean right off the bat than he would with Hermione.

26. Honestly, I think it’s ridiculous that they still use quills and I will be using the trope where Harry sneaks in ballpoint pens.

27. Harry came to Diagon a few days earlier than he did in canon, so I figure it only makes sense that he would meet someone different at Madam Malkins also this gave me a great opportunity to shoe in one of my other favorite characters, Neville.

28. I headcanon that Harry and Neville have a slight magical bond over both being possible options for the prophecy.

29. I admit this is slightly unrealistic, as I’ve dropped my glasses several times before and they’ve never broken but I wanted an excuse to get Harry some new glasses.

30. Not implausible, but also not likely either. Also, I admit I really have no clue about British healthcare, especially not what it was like in the 80s and 90s. I know it’s free, but that there’s also the option to do private or paid care. So, for this story, assume that the Dursleys use private care bc they want to seem better than everyone else.

31. Again, probably not the most realistic scenario, but it is possible. I got glasses when I was 11 and contacts when I was 15, but I definitely could have gotten the contacts when I was a little younger. Maybe not, 11-years old younger, but I don’t think it’s entirely out of the ballpark.

32. I didn’t see any point in changing Hedwig’s name, so I kept it the same.

33. Giving Harry contacts was something that I debated a lot, there’s no real reason he needs them, I just wanted him to have some because they’re convenient. I personally regret not getting contacts earlier.

34. To be honest, this is actually a bit of a cop out on my end because I haven’t figured out the entire political system yet. BUT even if I had, Harry is still 11 so he probably wouldn’t understand it that well anyways. There will be a brief explanation in chapter 2 though.

35. Dudley’s reaction is anything thing I was really torn up about. Because he’s essentially torn between his two parents, sticking with Petunia ostracizes him from Vernon and sticking with Vernon ostracizes him from Petunia. Ultimately, I decided Dudley would value his father’s attention more because while Petunia wouldn’t like him getting involved with magic, she wouldn’t cut Dudley off completely, she loves him too much. But Vernon, has been completely distracted by magic and without Dudley getting involved in it too then he won’t get any attention from his father.

36. According to the HP wiki, Dean’s family actually lives in London, but I wanted it to be more convenient for them to meet so I moved them closer to the Dursleys. Also, I actually did about an hour’s worth of research on google maps trying to find a real place Dean’s family to live.

37. A whole lot of this section with the Weasleys was lifted from the book with slightly different commentary from Harry. I originally had more, but it didn’t add anything so I cut it out.

38. I don’t know how outgoing Ron was before he met Harry, if I was him though I would be too nervous to intrude on a compartment with two other kids who looked like they were already friends.

39. This is not a Ron bashing fic, Harry has no reason to dislike him, so of course he wouldn’t be opposed to sitting with him. That said, for the premise of the story I couldn’t have them sit together because Ron is heavily biased against Slytherin.

40. Poor Draco, if he had just paid more attention to who he was passing in the hall then he would have met Harry, but again, I couldn’t let that happen because Draco’s so obnoxious that he’d turn Harry off Slytherin.

41. Honestly, I just wanted Harry to interact with more students who can be potential friends.

42. Again, and the sorting is lifted from the book. I’m not going to make note of every line.

43. I wasn’t sure if I wanted Neville to be in Hufflepuff of Gryffindor at first. A lot of people argue that Neville needed to be in Gryffindor to learn how to be brave, but I think that Hufflepuff would provide a strong support system that would help Neville gain confidence in himself. Also, I decided that Harry’s words in the robe shop would influence Neville into not thinking that he was a loser if he went to Hufflepuff. I imagine in canon, much like Harry was chanting “not slytherin” Neville was probably chanting “not Hufflepuff”. So I think it’s fitting they both don’t end up in Gryffindor in this fic. Also, Harry already has a Gryffindor friend in Dean, he can use a Hufflepuff friend.

[sunsetsover]

Happy Birthday!! I always enjoy your eastenders content! If you want a prompt, I am p interested in how you view Ben trying to become less crime involved and what that means for his character, and how you think Phil will react to Ben's behavior??

thank you!!! and thank you for enjoying my ‘content’ (calling what i do content seems disrespectful to the people who do create actual quality content lmao), i’m glad!! i’m not exactly sure what you mean by prompt, but i can certainly talk abt my opinions on it all a little bit!!

from the spoilers, i believe we’ll actually get the answer to these questions in the coming weeks! i won’t go into detail in case you don’t want spoilers, but all i will say is that we’re going to see phil’s reaction to ben’s choice sooner rather than later.

as for my take on it, i think ben’s relationship with crime is kind of a complicated thing tbh. as much as i love dark ben, i don’t think those cruel, manipulative parts of him were ever just like... a part of his nature. they’re like.... adaptations, because of the things that have happened to him during his life and because of who his family are and who his dad is. i don’t think a life of crime - no matter how serious or petty the crimes in question were - would have ever been on the cards for ben had his dad not been phil mitchell. like he was a quiet, shy kid who liked musicals. not exactly criminal material, is it?

but then he moves back in with his dad when kathy ‘dies’ and sees how much of a ‘man’s man’ phil is and is not too young to realize that phil doesn’t really know what to make of him and then you combine that with stella’s abuse and manipulation (telling ben - a 10 year old child - that he was weak and pathetic and that his dad thought he was weak and pathetic too because ben wasn’t like him and that phil is the Epitome of what a Man Should Be, and that he has to be like his dad or else he will be weak and pathetic forever) and him realizing he’s gay (i don’t need to explain why this was a fucking nightmare for phil mitchell’s son, do i?), and him changing and becoming bitter and cruel and acting out makes sense. not only was he essentially manipulated into it, but it was a survival tactic on so many levels. plus he was a little boy, and he wanted his dad’s love and approval and attention! that’s normal! that’s understandable! but the sad reality is ben’s dad is phil mitchell, and basically the only way he could get any of those things was by acting out and doing bad things which undoubtedly reinforced the idea in his head that if he does bad things and hurts people then his dad would love and respect him more, and then the older and more confident and more desperate for his dad’s love and attention he got (not to mention the fact that he probably felt the need to ‘make up’ for the fact he was gay), the worse the things he was doing would get. and eventually this way of thinking changed from ‘if i act this way, my dad will love me’ to ‘if i act this way, people will respect me’, and then eventually it became less of an act and more an uncontrollable part of his character. but really, he really stood no chance at all in that house. he was bound to get fucked up to a certain degree, just growing up and seeing what his dad was like.

and now he’s an adult, and he really was not lying when he said he doesn’t know anything else. what the audience need to understand is that the way ben views things - himself, his relationships with others, how to create and maintain healthy relationships with others, how to treat other people etc - is fucked up! it’s warped! and it’s warped mostly because of his dad!! and i think ben is at a point in his life now where he can recognize these things (to a degree - although that’s much better than not bein able to recognize it at all - and imo ever since he first come back this has improved a lot) and can recognize that most roads lead back to phil, but he’s also not necessarily able to change those things. he’s trying, that much is obvious, but this is years and years of ingrained abuse and trauma and learned behaviour!! he can’t just get over that, especially not alone!! he needs help! and were it up to me, he’d be getting professional help!!! which is why i think callum has been so naive about this whole ‘just stop doing illegal things!’ thing he has going on - not only in the sense that you can’t just go ‘oh i’m on the straight and narrow now’ and have there not be any repercussions, but because this is years and years of ben’s life that he’s having to basically give up (ok you could argue that it’s not much to give up, but that’s not the point, and that doesn’t make it any easier), and also because imo ben’s relationship with crime is directly linked to his trauma and directly linked to his relationship with his dad. the only time his dad wants anything to so with him or shows him any kind of respect is still when ben’s doing jobs for him, p much. to a certain degree, ben’s ability to do dodgy shit determines his self worth because it has always determined how his dad sees him, and how his dad has seen him has determined how ben sees himself imo (again, not entirely, but to a certain degree). plus it’s a respect thing. he’s talked about his reputation before, and if he has a reputation then he has respect and ben wants respect, that much is clear. and i think that’s to make up for the fact he rarely got that respect when he was growing up, you know?

(plus, just my personal opinion, but i still think there’s a part of him that feels the need to ‘make up’ for the fact that he’s gay in his dad’s eyes. i think he’s come a long way (esp when you look at harry’s ben vs max’s ben) and i don’t necessarily think he’s ashamed of or sorry for who he is anymore, but judging by his actions i do think there’s still a part of him that’s like ‘well i couldn’t be the son he wanted in that respect, but i can be the son he wanted in this respect’, does that make sense? like a ‘i know he doesn’t like me being gay, so the least i can give him is this’ kind of thing, mixed in with the ‘this is the only way i can get my dad’s respect, this is the only way i can make him love me’ thing.)

basically: imo ben’s desire to do these illegal, criminal things is not as much to do with him liking doing them or wanting the money or anything like that, but it’s more bc in his head that kind of behaviour is linked to his relationship with his dad and his trauma and how he views himself. and despite his best efforts, ben was never gonna be able to just walk away from it all and have that be that, you know? because it’s not that simple.

as for phil’s reaction, it’s gonna go exactly how you expect it to go: badly. there’ll probably be some manipulation (i see something along the lines of ‘what, you’re gonna fuck over your own dad for someone you’ve been seeing for five minutes?’ being said) to get ben back on side. probably some dramatic shit about ‘ruining the family legacy’ or smth. he’ll probably make fun of ben similarly to how jay did but in a much less jovial, ‘i’m only teasing’ way. probably say some shit about callum. i see ben putting up a fight and defending himself (and callum) at first, but phil can wear ben down like no one else and will having him doubting himself in record time. phil will probably say some shit like ‘you gonna let callum tell you what to do, are ya? he says jump and you say how high, is that it?’ and that will absolutely press ben’s buttons and he’ll be desperate to prove that that’s not the case and phil will have manipulated him back onside, just like that. like it’s that easy. which it is really, bc despite what he says ben still wants his dad’s love and approval more than anything.

it’s gonna be horrible, basically. ben’s gonna be caught between a rock and hard place, not knowing what to do or who to listen to. he’s going to be so conflicted between not wanting to fuck up his relationship with callum (bc he clearly cares about callum A Lot) and keeping callum happy and allowing him to do what he wants to do and also trying to keep his dad happy and not fall out with him bc like i said, despite what he says ben still wants his dad’s love and approval more than anything and it would crush him to be cast out by him again after everything that’s happened, esp after they seem to have been getting along so well. so i think he’s going to struggle a lot over the next few weeks, trying to decide what to do. bc u know... despite him adoring callum and wanting their relationship to work and ben taking steps to make that happen, it’s been clear that he hasn’t exactly been over the moon abt going legit. (callum definitely didn’t force him, but after it was clear callum wasn’t changing his mind, ben obviously felt like the only options were him going legit and them breaking up, and after realizing he didn’t want to lose callum, he was only left with one option. so it wasn’t really a choice for him, was it?) and phil has a hold over him like no one else does, so who knows how this is all going to play out. like ben being on the straight and narrow isn’t going to last long - at least right now - but beyond that? callum’s reaction? the long term? who knows!! not me!!

but yh it just sucks bc you know ben has a Struggle coming and it’s gonna be horrible to watch bc no one deserves to be happy more than ben :-(

💖💖💖

[allbeendonebefore]

Hey hapo what's with the sea of blue in sask and Alberta during the election like did Sheer make that good of an impression on Sask voters??? NDP is option??

sea of blue you say? obviously we created our own blue sea since we’re not allowed access to tidewater JKJKJKJK

this is a really complicated question and I’m trying to think about how best to explain it. my feelings on the issue are very mixed because i feel like i have a foot or a hand in several camps like some convoluted twister game. it’s something that a lot of identity and emotion is tied up in for a lot of people and it’s rooted very firmly in inequalities that have existed for over a century and get expressed differently in different regions. It’s something that I grew up saturated in and I’ve done a lot of reading about (and of course there’s always more on my reading list) but I’ll try and highlight a few reasons that I’ve been musing about so as not to be too overwhelming. 

it’s something that is really hard to explain to people from outside the province because we’re quick to be written off (sometimes rightfully so, others not) but it’s something that’s equally hard to explain to people inside the province. As I said it’s something we’re all saturated in, we are born into it or we grow up in it and it’s really hard to confront a lot of things surrounding it. And I definitely have my own biases and background and relation to this issue and I must stress that as furious as I am with people in large groups making dumb ass decisions, I can’t be angry at individuals because I get a lot of why this happens even though I find it personally misguided or ignorant at best and actively harmful, selfish, and self-sabotaging at worst. But when I explain this I hope it makes sense why for a lot of people it feels like the only option.

And my last preface is that I am speaking from an Alberta perspective, if my followers in Saskatchewan want to add on to this please feel free. I’m glossing over a lot here because I’m trying to keep this short and understandable… but when have I ever done that lol.

Yeah, it got long.

so why does the west go conservative. it’s not scheer, and if you remember harper you’ll remember personality is never high on our list of priorities. [insert gif of harper explaining how he too is a human who watches netflix here] 

1. History 

To sum up two hundred years: Alberta and Saskatchewan were never equal partners in confederation with other provinces. They were purchased and carved up by the Canadian government which then imposed the two party system on the provinces, which prior had consensus government which (i believe) was similar to how NWT and Nunavut continue to operate. They were not given the rights to their own resources until decades after joining confederation. They were given Liberal governments because the Liberals were and are considered the “natural” governing party of Canada, and while Saskatchewan has flopped between Liberal and Conservative governments like many eastern provinces, Alberta has always had a radical streak and has NEVER re-elected an unseated party in its history. And no, I don’t consider the UCP a continuation of the previous 4 decades of conservative rule, even though they imagine themselves to be the inheritors of that legacy. 

Fast forward to the direct impacts: in the 70s, world events that severely impacted oil production caused Eastern Canada to absolutely panic and force Alberta and Saskatchewan (yet again) into providing discounts on their production to soften the blow in Ontario and Quebec of rising prices, forbidding them to sell for a profit to the United States. This included both oil products and potash, hugely lucrative products in AB and SK. It was a continuation of Eastern Canada imagining and treating the prairies as property, as chattel, where provinces like Quebec and BC would never be asked to undersell to benefit the rest of the country. 

The current federal conservative party is an amalgamation of reactions to this situation and related ones: the Progressive party (which was a complete misnomer) originated in Manitoba, the Reform party emerged from what I understand as the “first wave” of western separatism, and even though Reform was defeated federally it is still a direct ancestor to Stephen Harper and by extension Andrew Scheer. Harper’s policies are the natural product of decades of conservative governments dating back to Preston and Earnest Manning’s Social Credit party in Alberta.

That said, people from both inside and outside the provinces completely misunderstand Harper’s (and Kenney’s) “Western-ness” or “Albertan-ness”. Both of them ran on western issues and appear to speak up for western interests, but those issues and interests only go as far as the CEOs of the oil companies are concerned, not the working class in the industry. Harper and Kenney actively undermined the equalization formula for the west and had the gall to campaign on striking a good deal for the west. Federal politicians do not have to ever strike a good deal for the west, they will ALWAYS prioritize voters in Ontario and Quebec so long as our voting system remains this way. 

2. Identity

My next point in the long agonizing question of Why This is a sensitive one. In Alberta we have my parent’s generation who were voting age at the toppling of Social Credit by Lougheed’s Conservatives. For Alberta this was a monumental shift in taking no shit from Ottawa that people still look back on. Lougheed was a hero for demanding a fair price from Canada for Alberta, and he was incredibly concerned with managing the resource and the profits wisely. While conservative governments were natural and long standing in eastern Canada, this was the first time they had taken power in Alberta and they made a dramatic and revolutionary impression, which is not a thing that conservative governments are usually known to do. 

My parent’s generation remembers this time of intense prosperity. My parent’s generation raised their children in this boom-bust cycle and my parent’s generation watched as Lougheed’s heritage fund was spent out from under us. I grew up under Ralph Klein’s government- intensely popular for a premier and who’s legacy was as powerful as Lougheed’s, but incredibly polarizing. He gave $300 to every man, woman and child in the province (except my fam because we had just moved back and didn’t have residency, lol) which was memorable if irresponsible. But it was men like Klein who had the charisma and the presence to make people really take pride in the industry, to worship the boom-bust, and to consider all problems solved. Klein did not give a shit about the part of Alberta I grew up in, and friends who lived in the far north of the province fared even worse. It’s absolutely no wonder that the Edmonton area consistently votes “against” the rest of the province when we were left isolated and broken during the bust of the 90s and ignored repeatedly in the mid to late 2000s. 

I have a deep seated and extreme resentment for Ralph Klein’s government and it’s not because I missed out on my 300 Ralph Bucks or because I don’t have connections to the industry, it’s because I grew up with a deep seated fear that I wouldn’t be able to complete my education or that if I got sick something horrible would happen. I was legitimately terrified I would not be able to make it to secondary school because of the cuts his government made on rural schools, and for friends of mine who were not as lucky and well supported as I was, it was even worse. I won’t drag their personal stories onto the internet to make my point, but know 

But the point of this all is that the people alive today who vote are people who remember this time of prosperity, of fighting Ottawa, and of relative ‘freedom’ from taxation and so on and so forth are constantly trying to hold onto that time. The kids in my generation who I went to school with did not have to graduate high school - my school had a 70% drop out rate because people would go straight to the patch or into a related industry. In Alberta, every industry is a related industry. There is not an aspect of living in Alberta that the patch doesn’t touch. This is hard to understand for people outside the province. It was actual culture shock to me to come to Ontario where funders of schools and businesses are families that date back to confederation rather than Enbridge or Suncor. 

Moreover, the people who work in the patch do an incredibly difficult and dangerous job for incredible amounts of money and it’s no wonder they are so valourized. The people who work in the patch are more dependent on the companies than they are on the government. During the fire of 2016, it may have been the government providing evacuation stations, but it was the companies who got people out. Working class people feel seriously undervalued and are obviously seriously defensive about the industry for real, concrete reasons. 

The past four decades have shaped generations of people in this way. This is not something easily reversed. Voting conservative is almost inextricable from Albertan identity and it’s impossible to explain concisely. We all grow up with the same arguments and talking points, we are all imbued with anger and defensive remarks from birth, and to people outside the province our arguments can sound rehearsed to the point of sounding cult-like. Stop Using Plastic If You Don’t Like It. Stop Driving and Flying. Stop Importing from Dictatorships. Stop Being a Hypocrite. They are easy, simple mantras to absolve anyone related to the industry (which is everyone) of any guilt because they don’t have to be a hypocrite if they just embrace the reality. There is no room for any critical thought in this identity, there is no room for discussion, there is nothing beyond Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and Don’t Ever Criticize What Keeps Everything Running. It’s normal and natural to feel upset when people who don’t grow up with this line of thinking find it strange.

3. Alienation

So why doesn’t our valourization of the working class translate directly into NDP votes? Why does Rachel Notley become vilified for speaking and acting as Peter Lougheed did in the 1970s? Why do we continue voting conservative and say thank you when they betray us and kick us in the balls every single time? Why do we cover up our oh-so-shameful history of birthing the CCF/NDP out of the desperation and destitution of the Great Depression? 

As I’ve been saying it’s complicated, but it’s also really simple. No federal party ever speaks to us. Not a single one. The conservatives barely have to because they know our identity as conservative dates back to before a time when we even had a provincial upper-case Conservative government ourselves. Scheer can parade up and down parliament hill with his appeals to free speech and his pro life base and his white supremacist dogwhistles all he likes because he knows keeping Alberta and Saskatchewan “happy” (read: angry) is easy. This is a man who said himself that he doesn’t need ‘indian votes’ to win and he certainly was far more worried about keeping Doug Ford out of the spotlight during his campaign and pissing off Ontario than he was about us, and premier kenney spent all his time in office campaigning for scheer instead of running the goddamn province, including preparing us for an emergency. And we lap it up while screaming bloody murder if rachel notley is not personally handing out waterbottles on the side of the highway of death. 

No party, not even the conservatives, truly speaks to Albertans. We get hated on constantly by the rest of the country because we appear to be full of climate change deniers, but even the CEO of SUNCOR condemns deniers and politicians who cater to them. A lot of Albertans do acknowledge climate change is a reality despite how we’re painted, but because of the misunderstanding we feel directed at us constantly we tend to react badly and would rather hole up in our bunkers and let the rest of the country freeze in the dark - or melt in the sun as it were. No party speaks to working class rural people. No party makes the attempt to speak to people who are still only grappling with already outdated terminology like “global warming” while they are shoveling snow in August or September. No party is talking about actual grievances that working class people in Alberta face, such as long hours away from home and family or intense isolation that leads to addiction and death, that matter more to people than seemingly hypothetical change in climate that happens Elsewhere, not Here. Parties need to start coming up with concrete solutions that will make the inevitable transition more than just necessary but inclusive and beneficial. No one wants to feel like they have to start from scratch, no one wants to worry about what to do or how it will help. We aren’t used to thinking about solving problems, and we keep putting it on the next generation while we make it even harder for them.  

The more we are criticized the more militaristic the vocabulary becomes, and that’s why we provincially voted for a war room and tax cuts while taking the money from school lunch programs. We rest on our laurels of having the lowest child poverty rate in the country while stealing money from children and blaming their parents for them going hungry. It’s abominable. And a lot of us realize it. And a lot of us still feel as if we have no choice. A lot of progressive voices get drowned out in stifling silence and any change feels like an existential threat. We got ourselves into this mess, but we all need to work together to get out of it. And that means listening to the strongest opposition we’ve had in nearly a half century. That means being grown ups and sitting at the table with the rest of the country. That means fighting the gut reaction to sputter out talking points you were taught to say because it meant protecting your family. That also means that we need to be listened to in return without smugness or patronizing attitudes from politicians or the rest of the country. 

If you want us to switch to alternative energy, you all need to step up and start helping us do that. As long as we feel as if it’s being imposed on us we will struggle and we will fight, but it’s exactly why it’s so important to change the tone of the conversation. Listen to us. Help us. Make us feel like we’re part of the country. Give us the tools we need to be better. Encourage us to be leaders in the energy industry because we love being the best and thrive off healthy competition. Appeal to real, concrete issues for working class people with real concrete solutions. 

yeah. uh. [places mic shakily back on the stand] peace im going to bed, fight me or whatever. 

[flyingcookierambles]

plans for 2020???

uhhuhuhuhuhuhhhh

graduate college

get a part time job and take a gap year for academia/save up money while job hunting for my first Real Adult Job?????

figure out my gender??????????????? probably switch to like they/she pronouns or something bc i realized that every time i post something on twitter/snapchat/tumblr/whatever i always refer to myself as a “a foolish child who makes bad financial decisions” or “a person who makes their wallet cry” or like “guess who just spent like $40 on a steam sale???? this kidddddddddd” like ive always just been unconsciously referring to myself in like third person or they/them/gender neutral pronouns?????? like. i dont think that in any tweet/toot/snap ive ever written i’ve called myself something like “a foolish girl” or “a girl who makes her wallet cry” or anything so like theres that. and honestly ive made/been making some posts about this gender thing for like the past year. ive asked the cool mods at feminism and media about it (ill post the screenshot later). ive changed my main tumblr about page which i dont think anyone’s ever visited since it’s listed under “hi” and like maybe i should change it to “about”? anyways ive like changed most of my stuff online to be something like “gender questioning, but she/her pronouns are fine for now” or like “gender questioning/probably nonbinary” and then just straight up changed my facebook pronouns to they/them (but im p sure my family hasnt noticed thank goodness cuz thats not a can of worms i wanna explain to a bunch of religious baby boomers rn), changed my myanimelist gender to non-bianary (again why is this a thing? a rando blue anime hellsite is not the place i expected to have this option but like im not complaining so lol), and also put “gender questioning, probably non-binary” in the write in gender option on goodreads so like. uhhh. i guess im probably non-binary????? but also im a terrible and indecisive person so like every time i say im probably non-binary my stupid brain goes back to bein like. wait is this some internalized misogyny that makes me not want to be a girl/cis girl? but also i find the dysphoria memes/jokes on the egg_irl subreddit really relatable and its just a bad cycle in which i go “oh these gender dysphoria memes on a trans subreddit are really relatable” -> “huh maybe. im not a girl???” -> brain awakened to being not a girl -> self doubt of brain might have internalized misogyny -> haha im a cis girl even tho i always refer to myself with they/them pronouns in writing -> haha wait that doesnt sound right a cis person wouldnt refer to themself with gender neutral pronouns right -> i know, ill go to a sub that i know makes gender dysphoria jokes and caused this self doubt/gender questioning in the first place with dumb jokes like “would you push a button?” and this meme but replace the “im bi” with “im ace” -> haha these gender dysphoria jokes are really relatable -> oh no (repeat this hell cycle of self doubt for 2 years and its me haha) 

regarding the above example sentences of steam sales and my finances, uhhhh, i wanna play more video games this year. and actually finish them. because i think according to steamdb or whatever account rating site it is, my account’s games net worth is something ridiculous like $600. and like. ive only played like 30% of the stuff i own. so uh. i should get my moneys worth and play stuff

the above resolution does not apply to games that are technically endless with no real goal/end, such as the sims, cities skyline, prison architect, etc. this resolution applies only to games that do have an end, such as nameless, pesterquest, steins;gate, etc.

the above resolution also may have some exceptions due to technical issues or time since some games, mostly japanese visual novels like steins;gate, are not compatible with macbooks i guess maybe they’re not popular with gamers (not surprising the macbooks has terrible venting lol) and also maybe not popular in japan so japanese companies just dont think to port things to mac os??? idk what the issue is here exactly but like since im in a college dorm and not at home ill only have access to my macbook for a majority of the time.

also similar to the “finish the games” thing, i should read, or at least attempt to read, all the books i’ve brought. i have so so many ebooks. that are unread. yet i also keep buying more books. i should stop buying books and finish the ones i do have and also use the library more.

also i should probably figure out how to save money lol. im 22. but im constantly broke. 

also i should uhhh probably find more diverse books lol. like i love my shitty indie fantasy books and stuff but the protag is usu a white dude so like eh. but also. sometimes when i read books w female protags im like haha cant relate. and then the gender questioning sets in once again. is it because im probably non-binary? or am i actually trans or something???????? i mean i hang out on egg_irl, a mostly mtf trans sub, but also an occasional non-binary or ftm trans post comes up which is also nice to see. idk mannnnnnn lollll

also there was this whole like haha cant relate brain reaction to my school’s vagina monologues event when i went in to listen to my nursing major friend have some monologue. like she talked about some thing about like delivering a baby and it was kinda near the end of the event bc i got there late and the ones that i did hear at the end were just like haha cant relate but also ive been told that the monologues that year were particularly terf-y, probs in response to my college turning co-ed (it was up until i think 2 years before i entered a womens college and the older students, alumni and current students that were there at the time, were apparently super pissed about it, so the school i guess doubled down on “(cis) girl power!” but also kinda excluded trans/gender queer ppl that weren’t cis girls in the process)

gender is stupid i feel like id much rather not have to deal with it/pick a label to be and move on with life lol but my brain wont let me

push this internal gender crisis out of my mind by playing a ton of video games/reading a ton of books/do school work ig hahahahahaha

[lvcindahs]

hi hi everyone!! i’m jane & i’m rly excited to meet y’all! i’m twenty-two as of mid-december eeeee, living in nzt ( currently gmt + 13 ) & i really like colourful make up lmao

lucinda talkalot is NEUTRAL in the war, even though her official job is as CAERPHILLY CATAPULTS’ KEEPER. the TWENTY YEAR OLD HALFBLOOD is known to beDRIVEN and ASTUTE but also SELF-INTERESTED and RETICENT. some might label her as THE STRATEGIST.

domestic abuse, child abuse tw //

hi friends!!! okay so lucinda has a full bio here ( which i would defs read if you want to know about her history and stuff ) but i’ll do some quick points about her here now anyway!!

born jan 4, 1959 — a year above the marauders

succeeded steve laughalot for slytherin captaincy in 1975 ( her sixth year ) and was captain for two years, the second of which slytherin won the quidditch cup ( sixth year probably went to gryffindor?? idk — edit: i just changed these dates to reflect the change i made to her age; it’s a year off from canon, bc jinx and i basically decided to fuck around w canon lmao )

steve was a nightmare and she thought he was terrible and incompetent and wrote to emma vanity, steve’s predecessor, to vent and occasionally consider staging a coup. emma showed lucinda what a captain should be far more than steve ever did

a slytherin prefect but honestly that was probably because she was competent and showed leadership skill in her quidditch life, and didn’t break rules ( mostly bc she felt no need to ), not because she was especially keen to be responsible for anybody else

scouted by several teams, she went to caerphilly catapults, initially as a reserve but now as starting keeper

she’s quite strategic and observant so keeper suited her well; not only was she a last line of defence, but it kept her removed from the chaos of the pitch and able to observe and analyse what was going on around her ( and sometimes calling out plays and advice to her players )

welsh-puerto rican; fluent in english, spanish, welsh and is pretty good at german ( and good at latin though it’s not something she’d say she… speaks… )

very patient when it comes to long-term planning and dedicated enough to see something through; absolutely not patient when it comes to people she thinks are wasting her time

genuinely liable to just not have people on her radar, like — she takes note of people she thinks are relevant, and she probably knows who more than that are, she just doesn’t care

[ domestic abuse tw, child abuse tw, implied infidelity tw ] her uncle ( possible father; her familial situation’s a fucking mess ) is an absolute dick and rich but he’s a squib and Did Not Take Well to magic, even when it’s accidental, and he was older, and larger, and angrier, and she never forgot the way anger could feel when it coursed through something so much larger on its way to making its impact on you. It wasn’t frequent, exactly, but it was varied, and took several forms, but even the threat of it could overwhelm once you knew it was a possibility

she hated fear, and that drove her anger

she learned composure and control from a young age — not young enough to be able to tamp down on accidental magic immediately, but young enough to have control a fair bit before hogwarts. she also learned to control her reactions

( it’s only happened once since she was a kid, when she was “in the way” of him punching a wall, but she’s never learned to swallow the taste of hate in her mouth. she thinks he regrets the last time — when she was a kid, she couldn’t fight back in any way. last time, she was a teenager, and she spewed vitriol at him and she thinks that made it real. she thinks that made him ashamed. she does not care for his shame. it does not change the fury affixed in her veins. ) [ end abuse tw ]

that’s part of why she loves quidditch so much ??? it’s something she’s good at and it was her ticket out of relying on her uncle like her parents did ( her dad was a wizard, which gave the two brothers a bit of a rivalry, but it meant he never worked for anything particularly ?? he lacked common sense and he knew how great his life was compared to his brother’s, but then his brother actually worked and was successful so when lucinda’s ostensible father showed back up in wales with a new wife, it wasn’t long until he had lost all his money and they had to move in with her uncle, who gave her father a job. meanwhile, lucinda’s mother has always been more attracted to drive, so… lucinda is very unsure which is her father, but she thinks they’re both terrible in different ways, so neither is a particularly good option ) [ end infidelity tw ]

and also, on a base level, the very first time she flew on a broom, it was the first time she felt a sense of power. no matter how much bigger or stronger you were, how much angrier or the size of your fists, you couldn’t catch her on the broom. no matter how old she gets, or if her limbs fail, quidditch will never be anything less than it is: graceful and beautiful and analytical, where you can feel the wind rushing through your hair as you move faster on a broom, so fast that nobody can catch you.

but yeah!! she’s not very patient with people and she will always look out for herself bc her whole childhood was learning that nobody else would do that for you and she hates dependence ( and also subjugation — she hates the idea of house elf ownership, because living creatures deserve agency ), but there is a small circle of people she is dedicated to, and she’d go to bat for them any day

she’s very blunt and doesn’t pull punches and honestly like ??? can absolutely be awful but she has a lot of reasons for the way she is and she doesn’t actively try to hurt people — she just simply doesn’t care enough to pull punches for most of them

she’s also neutral bc she’s a halfblood — if not, she’d probably support death eaters but, having been at a physical disadvantage her entire life against her main opponent, she’s never been one to settle for anything that puts her at an inherent disadvantage, let alone support something that does

she has no interest in fighting for the order, though, bc she doesn’t feel any need to stick herself out on the line for the fight, let alone total strangers. she fights for herself and her very small circle. there aren’t ideals, in her opinion, worth laying down her life for

anyway my girl’s a bit Much sometimes but !! if anyone wants to plot or thread w her plssss lmk <333 i’d especially love to talk to anyone who played quidditch at school when she did, especially those in her year or in the slytherin team, mostly bc i loooove quidditch dynamics + if anyone still plays quidditch or is a commentator, reporter or fan, i’d love to plot with you!! also people who were prefects with her… and i’d love to plat with everyone anyway haha bc all of these characters are great and i’m living for them tbh ( i am so unhelpful but i loooove them all ok )

[sol1056]

a bunch more asks waiting their turns so politely

These are all various asks about the likelihood of a remake, a rewritten season, or a spinoff. 

1 could we get an alternate version 2 is a rewrite for S8 a viable option 3 would they change the ending for a spin-off 4 are single-episode edits possible for S8 5 will S7 reactions affect S8 6 how will DW get us to watch S8

Behind the cut.

With the shitstorm that vld became, would dreamworks ever take pity on us and remake some seasons of voltron that turned out like crap, or not even air, just release them as alternate versions on dvd? Im questioning the possibilities, not the probabilities, bc Im really not optimistic about that, I just wanna know if a show can do that and what would it take for the company to snap their fingers and be like "lets do it" (besides having money)

It’s not like frequent reboots don’t have precedent in other franchises; hell, comics do it on the regular. It’s also much cheaper to do a series of graphic novels or full novelizations geared towards an older audience. The problem there is that Dreamworks isn’t a comic book company or a publishing house; that part of the franchise would have to be farmed out to someone else. 

My guess --- if another remake is ever a possible option --- it’d be several years down the road. The first version would be set aside as, say, the Y-7 version for kids and family, and then you’d find a new angle for the next version. 

If DW got the impression there was a massive older crowd (say, 25-45) who would’ve eaten up a more mature, somewhat darker, version? Sure, why not try to grab that audience? I mean, look at the Castlevania series: it’s not pulling any punches on making clear it’s for adults. That would also require a different business model, since what adults like to buy for themselves is very different than what kids want. Skip the cake toppers, for starters. 

do you think given the reaction to VLD S7, is a rewrite for S8 a viable option? I feel the fandom is divided about the general reaction to S7. If JDS and M can just [focus on the fanbase segment] that liked it, why [bother trying to fix it for those] that didn't?

Given what I’ve been seeing in terms of data from the season... I think they aimed to please everyone and ended up pleasing no one. 

Pretty sure I’ve said something to this extent before: when you can’t please everyone, the answer isn’t to split the difference and piss everyone off. The answer is to pick your audience and give them the best damn story you can. The rest will sort itself out.

Let me put it this way: there are enough people who didn’t like S7 for the crummy animation, the OOC dialogue and actions, and the nonsensical storyline overloaded with a host of new characters that stole time from the actual protagonists. And there are also enough people who didn’t like S7 for queerbaiting the audience, killing off three out of four queer characters, and sidelining the one remaining queer character. There may be some overlap between those two sets, but taken together, those two sets are pretty much the dominant majority of the fan base. 

I don’t know if that makes a rewrite a viable option, but it should be making a few execs think twice about letting the EPs/staff carry on in the same direction. I mean, you want a series to end on a high note, not an ‘omg that had such potential but boy did it self-destruct in the last two seasons’ note.  

So if DW wants to do a Voltron spin-off, would they consider changing the ending to VLD to give Shiro the things he earned so this spin-off wouldn't be dead out of the water?

That would depend entirely on whether they’ve gotten the message that Shiro’s current status isn’t good enough for a significant part of the fanbase. If all they’re hearing (or all they choose to hear) is that it’s great to sideline one of their protagonists with no in-story explanation whatsoever, what’s to tell them there’s anything that needs addressing?  

Additionally, if the entirety of the issue is Shiro --- and everyone else is just fine, thanks --- I’m not sure that’d rate as enough to warrant changing so much. More likely any spin-off would start some X length of time between, and we’d get an implied intermediary backstory (or even a mild retcon), and go from there. 

Truth is, whomever gets the spin-off will (I really hope) be a better writer and not have to deal with intrusive newbie EPs. Even then, they’d be kinda limited on what they could do, given the spin-off does need to make sense placed against the first series. Then again, VLD hasn’t respected its own premise or continuity for the past few seasons, anyway. 

So I guess there’s always the option to start with an episode that retells VLD’s ending... Kinda awkward, but not unheard of, to basically retcon a previous series out of existence.  

I have no doubt DW is looking into what went wrong with this season. I know it might be a little to late to fix all of Season 8, but do you think they would have at least maybe the last few episodes changed to give a better ending to the show - or at least more respect to Shiro as a character?

Normally I’d say no. I mean, episode 1 should have characters making choices that in turn impact episode 2, and those choices prompt the events in episode 3... but that’s a logic VLD threw out the window somewhere between S3 and S4, and it’s only gotten worse since then. 

In which case, oh sure, why not? It wouldn’t make any less sense than what they’ve already got planned, if S7 is any indication. 

Could the reaction to season 7 cause any change the execs minds going into season 8? 

One problem: this is a Dreamworks production, but it’s not a DW-owned story. It’s a franchise: there are other players involved. There are the two guys who first butchered GoLion into Voltron, Toei whose story got that embutcherment, Netflix as the distributor, along with Playmates and Lion Forge and other contracted partners. There’s a lot more people at the table than just DW. 

It’s one thing for the EPs to say they messed up, and apologize. It’s quite another for Dreamworks to admit publicly their lousy (or nonexistent) oversight allowed the situation to happen. 

Legal would have apoplexy, for starters. What wins you a franchise is often showing you have the confidence (if not sheer chutzpah) that you can do this job justice like no other. And then you hit S7 and must admit you hired people who made a complete hash of it? 

If there’s anything that will cost the EPs any future roles of a similar position, it’s that they’ve put DW in a very uncomfortable position. Caught between a furious fanbase and overly-interested co-owners, someone --- or several someones --- are treading very lightly right now. They’re not going to forget the EPs are the ones who precipitated the whole mess. 

I think we are in a unique situation where the fact that the EPs were vocal about [changing] VLD ... could be a blessing for us & DW. [But we know it] was changed, & DW's part seems to be more negligence than direct fault like the EPs. So DW can drop it or fix it, and a rewrite would be worth us sticking around, while restoring DW's name.

Again, that depends on whether DW is in a position that they can do so. I assure you they’d throw the EPs under the bus at the first opportunity, because that’s how the corporate world works. So their failure to do so is either because they don’t see the EPs’ actions as untenable (as far as we know), or because doing so would expose DW corporate to greater retaliation from elsewhere. (It could also be part of the agreement that these particular EPs are in place for the duration of the series’ production, too. Sometimes that happens.) 

I still can’t get over the fact that the EPs were so blunt about having already had a script fully written when they asked to revise. From the Studio Mir leaks, we can guess at least some of the animation was already in production at least a year ago, or earlier. That’s a lot to redo. 

Here’s something that only just occurred to me, when I listed the co-partners in this franchise: the Koplar brothers. These are the geniuses who figured they didn’t need to know Japanese to make GoLion into an american production; turns out they were geniuses on some level ‘cause it was a hit, anyway. They went on to produce Voltron: Fleet of Doom (1986), Voltron: the Third Dimension (1998), and Voltron Force (2011). If there is anyone at the table who’d be likely to have nostalgia goggles, it’d be the Koplars. This has been their ongoing story in one way or another for over 30 years. 

Originally, the EPs said they weren’t tied to nostalgia; they weren’t going to redo the story as it was, but the story as they remembered. (I’d argue this actually indicates a stronger set of nostalgia goggles, but eh.) Their determination to get rid of Shiro has always felt like nostalgia goggles to me. Perhaps the Koplars were the greatest supporters of Keith as BP --- since that would respect the pattern they’ve followed, over and over, in all the iterations. 

Considering the Koplar’s somewhat litigious background over Voltron ownership, they may’ve had the ability to overrule. So... if you want to bench Shiro, you pitch your work with the execs who are most likely to agree with you. And if you can do that in the window between the previous VP of TV retiring and a brand-new external hire coming on as VP... welp, you got permission, and the new VP may’ve signed off, not realizing the impact. 

Which would put DW over a barrel, in some ways. If DW could’ve overruled their partners, the EPs never would’ve been able to make that end-run in the first place. 

How do u think DW will try to get us to watch s8? They & the EPs have shattered our trust and the show is so messy its almost unsalvageable. 

Stay to see X point's resolution? Yeah, we stayed many seasons for nothing, next. 

We have more rep? Ex. blonde girl is autistic... So we should be scared for her too??? 

There's more queer rep? Yeah, we heard that one already. 

Unless everyone responsible is fired and a new crew runs the next seasons?

I don’t know. I would hope the answer is ‘by giving us a story that makes sense, and creates closure for all the protagonists, and not just by making two of them emotional rewards for two other characters.’ 

At this point, there is only one thing that’s going to make Dreamworks change course: if the fallout from VLD impacts its other projects. If the majority of the VLD fanbase up and announced it would be boycotting She-Ra or Fast & Furious or Trollhunters on the grounds that DW screwed up so badly with VLD that it cannot be trusted... Then you’d see movement. If the PR got so bad from so many upset and angry VLD fans that major news outlets paid attention and started writing articles about the situation, that would also put a black mark beside Dreamworks’ name -- and then you’d see movement. 

With the VLD toys a failure (for whatever mismanaged reasons) and a financial model set entirely on toys, fixing VLD now would be throwing good money after bad. Unless, of course, there’s an impact beyond just this single series. 

Until Dreamworks can see the impact in some concrete sense, they have far more to lose from their partners than they have to gain from their fanbase. It’s just how it is, with corporations in late capitalism. 

You want to make an impact? You tell Dreamworks ahead of time, and then you follow through: pick a week and go silent. Nothing about VLD, here or on twitter or anywhere else. No reblogs on She-Ra updates. Ignore the podcasts. Don’t click on the articles. That stuff’ll be there when the week is over, after all. Show DW what it’s like when a fanbase checks out, by doing it. It’s a short-term boycott, but the reason groups do boycotts is because they work. 

[impivus]

very rushed very shit intro comin @ you all but here goes nothing ! i’m felix from the gmt tmz, i use he / him pronouns, and im gonna power nap any minute now because one thing you should know about me is that i’m eternally on the verge of passing out from minimum exertions during the day. this is my pain in the ass eunsu: not even going to sugar coat it - he’s the human personification of a headache dumpster fire all in one beefy package and i really don’t even blame your character if they just . ignore his presence because, me too !

under the cut there’s some information about him if you want to get to know more about him regardless. smash that mf heart if you want to plot.. and i will get to you ? sometime ? its an ambiguous promise but i keep them, discord is also an option so just ask if you’d prefer to plot on there. eun’s about is here but no plots as of yet because life is hard and We Cant all Have Everything 

aka im lazy 

* ☾ ✧ * º ━━ is that KIM JONGIN walking about ? nope ! that’s just EUN SU CHO. & i’ve been told that they work as a INFORMATION BROKER ! apparently, they are TWENTY FIVE ( 204 )  years old .  some people say they are a CISMALE, DEMON ! HE is very CULTIVATED & INTUATIVE but also DECIETFUL &  MENACING. i wonder if they are just as odd as the rest of us .  ⇢  SYNOPSIS. MBTI TYPE  /  entp, the debater ZODIAC SIGN  /  scorpio   ENNEAGRAM TYPE  /  7w8 KINSEY SCALE  /  3 MORAL ALIGNMENT /  chaotic evil / neutral HOGWARTS HOUSE / slytherin ⇢ AESTHETICS. 

goosebumps raised and feelings of growing dread, the dark corner of a room where light doesn’t reach, silver pocket - watches with dead batteries, the scratch of a record player needle, flares in the sky, bad ideas coming to life, half-assed clapping when it’s required, figures dancing within the shadows & a smile you shouldn’t trust . 

⇢ OVERVIEW

literally anybody: when are you free?  eun su: im forever imprisoned in my own personal hell so i am never truly "free" but i don't really have plans all next week except for monday

this is eun su, and will y’all believe me if i say he used to be a good egg before he turned into the rotten egg i’m presentin y’all with today ??  i kid u not.. bs free zone. he did once ..  have a hort  he was born to a cult of witches, his twin brother absorbing all the magic that was meant to be equally distributed between them in his mother’s womb, which pretty much left eunsu as the black sheep of the family. said cult had been living on a small, near enough desolated island for literal decades, entertaining themselves with magic, seeking out knowledge, observing the unassuming populace, and toying with other supernatural creatures who dared cross their paths. unfortunately for eunsu’s family, tragedy struck when one of his aunt’s tried to over throw the high priestess ( his mother ) in their coven. unyielding in her position and untouchable to the magic she was exposed to, her sister went about other ways to break the woman’s spirits, dabbling in black magic predominantly to achieve her goals. eunsu’s brother was, thus, cursed before he was even born with an incurable heart defect that would see him dead before he reached double figures. eunsu’s mother was broken not mourned over how much he missed out as on a child: but she mourned for the fact that he was the only child that harboured any magic in their veins, the only child that could’ve carried on their lineage.   queue entrance of eunsu and his Whats the Worst that Could Happen Attitude. being young and naive, thought he could’ve been able to solve it by himself, solve the issues and earn his mother’s lacking affections. eun had heard about dark vessels that could miraculously grant wishes through summonings. though he didn’t have magic in his veins he had a fire in his heart, and after all, demons cared not for who or what they fed from: so long as they appeased their hunger.  all it wanted in return was a good, pure soul, and that’s what the demon stole from him before it mended his twin brother’s heart, giving the boy a new lease of life that wasn’t intended for him from the start. pity that eunsu died before he got to the age of twenty, following a quick and hungry fever that overtook his frail body and too soon turned deadly. there was no surprise that, come judgement day, he was turned away at the gates of heaven, in exchange for becoming one of lucifer’s own.

as a result of being eternally cursed with immorality and a tainted soul, he's lived some hundred-odd years and is coping by making the current populace in jeonseoul suffer along with finding purpose in digging out the secrets of his past life, mayhaps trying to find the demon who cursed him.... which could definitely be a wc.. and strengthening his abilities as a demon.

his personality is a bit insufferable; eunsu keeps himself distant and cryptic, because he likes it that way. he's a real weirdo ( if u have ever watched hxh he’s hisoka.. THAT weird )  that's hard to forget: completely mischievous, dramatic, and malicious to boot. some days he's waxing poetic about the futility of having a sense of justice and the next he's using his demonic powers to make some innocent tourist think they're hallucinating as they attempt to walk into a steady flow of traffic. 

ultimately life's a game to him and bih.. he’s here to have fun ! he's outlived his actual family and friends ( well, aside from his brother who he barely remembers, prolly be a wc if anyone’s interested ) and he's not looking to get attached to anyone. it would be great to Die because it’s his forever Mood but he also gets furious if anyone tries to actually expel him for real - so he'll simply prod at the world and its people until he gets the reactions he wants.

fair warning: it is a pain to genuinely care about eunsu and not many people will wanna do it. he comes and goes into people's lives as he pleases, stops reaching out once he's bored and only ever grazes the surface of a relationship based on its worth or his curiosities, innocent ppl, cute ppl, etc are just gonna be eaten up by him then dropped. 

the people who will be closest to him are doubtlessly other demons ig ? but he also hates y’all too so.. don’t get too friendly like he’s not here to make friends he’s here to be Jeonseoul’s next top Demon. also since he died sumn like 200 years ago it’s possible some wizards / familiars knew of him and his coven, it’d be super interesting for someone to have known cute human eunsu in exchange for chaotic bastard demon eunsu 

⇢ MISCELLANEOUS

since he’s a young demon, his horns are small and his wings barely span about two inches above his shoulder bones, he got itty bitty bat wings lbr he’s kinda pissed abt it. there’s tattoos over his scars from clashing with other demons / hunters / angels, but his devil’s mark lining the back of his neck, performed by first demon who took his soul, has never faded away. 

he also works as an info broker, which ties in with the fact that he’s a contractual demon ! it's more of a hobby than a job, something he does for kicks and to restock his gambling money and alcohol money, but he offers a helping hand to solo clientele for private cases if need be, just remember to bring your negotiation skills because his manipulation skills are a1.

he's well-versed in witchcraft even if he can’t actually possess the abilities that actual witches can. while hardly the mentoring type, he could be convinced to equip people with his knowledge of latin, spells or dark magic they want if he's interested enough. then again he might decide to screw them over for kicks so ask him for favours with caution.

for someone who carries a ton of spite and secrets, he passes as an easygoing, casual literature major on the daily to disguise his true intentions. find him at the university pretending to be a student and failing miserably at it like edward’s thousand year old ass in twilight

he cheats at the casino with his demonic powers but does it infrequently enough to pass it as luck. play games with him at your own risk. casinos are one of his favourite places but he can really be found anywhere with ease but some other places he frequents are: beaches, libraries, museums, bars, etc !

he'll get on people's nerves, but getting him to care to the degree of hate is another story. living this long has numbed him; people don't surprise him anymore and he doesn't care to spend time thinking about others. the secret to getting him to turn deathly serious is as simple as telling him you can tell that he was once a good person - because the cheesy truth is he was. he just convinces himself that he's given up trying to remember his human life and finds it easier to live like he’s dead.. yknow which he is.

romance makes him queasy, he's a spiteful old bastard and the concept of sweet love rubs him 100% fictional. there's someone he fancied before he was cursed but i'll save you the story: that's a distant dream now.

he might quote romantic works or put some pretty words together but he's fake as Fuck. if he notices someone innocent and unsuspecting crushing on him they are in so much trouble. he'll kiss their hand then twirl them right off a cliff. corruption kink central right here laid ease

as of rn he’s trying to master how to teleport and shadow control but he really is like on level one and he’s got to get up to level 50 to achieve even a fifth of what these other demons can do 

edit: i totally forgot to include eunsu’s ‘demonic’ title after he was banished to the perils of hell. it’s ironically just saint, and he goes around using that bc it’s blasphemous and a big ole middle finger to god himself. nobody will know his real name, but if there’s an off chance that they do, that’s a massive threat to eunsu and he’ll get his Snipers on Scene

tl;dr: 

[wodjt]

the noir reaction/review no one asked for but idc

•when maddox had to take a xanax to calm tf down before meeting her mother... relatable

•forreal though i love seeing a main character deal with anxiety, i feel like we never see that but that happens to soooo many people and also adds depth to the character (which lbr we don’t usually see)

•khadija is a whole ass mess but i feel kinda sorry for her??? assimilation sucks ass idk and being an immigrant sucks even more. not justifying the way she treats her child but i kinda feel for her.

•i feel like maddox’s sister is gonna be trip when she finally appears, i mean, the more succesful, favourite sister?? there’s ought to be problems there. also that bitch is hiding something, how maddox let it slide i don’t know, but i guess we gotta keep the ~mystery going and i also when your family acts like that i would probably let some shit slide too, can’t be bothered.

•i feel like maddox might be acting too harsh towards her dad??? i mean, of course we don’t know the whole story but i feel like she shouldn’t shut him out just because his wife is a mess like what is he gonna do, divorce her??? i LOVE this part of the story bc it shows maddox has a life and issues that have nothing to do with the love interest, it’s also cool to disagree with the main character sometimes hahaha otherwise they are just like cardboard characters

•the entire dress situation had me CACKLING like i would straight up refuse to wear that shit. also why was the sales associate being such s bitch? idgi.

•when maddox said harry had a million options and she wasn’t one of them?? girl fuck that harry has the worst taste ever anyway so why tear yourself down?? unnecessary, tori should’ve slapped some sense into her right there.

•scott was sooo adorable

•oh i forgot when maddox got harry a painting he thought he would like from an up and coming artist that needed money..... queen of empathy and random acts of kindness

•and harry was so surprised that she got it for him 😪😪😪 my babyyyyyy

•wine and pasta with harry fucking styles? SIGN ME TF UP

•also i’m literally an art history major so you can imagine how much of a dream it is for me to just lay down on a bed with harry and discuss/analyze art

•when he said kale was his favourite food smh boy just say you like chicken nuggets honestly its fine

•when maddox called him a white boy tho... QUEEN 👏 OF 👏 COLOR 👏

•and the fact that she was already horny when they started kissing. relatable x2

•also that scene was steamy as hell so i cant imagine what it will be like when they actually **** 👀👀👀

•girl why did she say no??? i mean i understand but on the other hand WHYYY

•he really drove her home ugh what a gentleman.

•things i’m looking forward to the most: maddox dealing with her anxiety, getting more in depth stuff about her family, her basketball wife friend, more new york!maddox, maddox thrive in the art world, and ofc the thing i want to see the most is her relationship with harry move forward although i KNOW that’s gonna be a mess and a half

@harrystylesgotmefuckedup this was a bit long but you already have me feeling some type of way womaaaaan. can’t wait for the next update

[bartsugsy]

then why would you want aaron to be with him? or do you not like aaron either?

Aksjsjsks oh u know me anon, a true aaron hater 😂😂😂

im dying

WELCOME TO MY TEDX TALK TBQH HERE WE GO

i think, i mean first of all, aaron obviously loves and wants to be with robert, but can’t be at the moment because there’s a baby and also tbh because robert needs to get his god damn shit together

aaron… clearly doesn’t care that much about the immorality behind the shit robert pulls. aaron’s morals are sort of just as fucked up - in mean, they met THROUGH CRIME. they’re both sort of awful. rob is a lot more shameless about it but aaron robbed home farm and kidnapped lachlan all by himself, for instance 😂 he’s a true dingle, that one. since they got back together, aaron’s concerns have usually been, in canon, more along the lines of: pls don’t let robert put himself in jail and also does robert love me enough

on the first point, see: ssw and “i could lose you”, the police questioning rob about withdrawing the money to pay ryan, the argument over breaking lucky out of jail.

on the second: everything about the rebecca saga - i think aaron actually understood that rob was using her for her connection to the whites and the chance to get some more money (see: the talk in the back room after finding out about the kiss) but that didn’t stop him from feeling uncomfortable about it and so the question was always this awful mix of - does he love me enough to stay faithful and does he love me more than he loves money and scheming?

and that’s been the sticking point. canon has shown robert actively dropping scheming with rebecca/making money for aaron (aaron’s birthday) and also obviously there was that whole BURNING 10K thing smh - robert does love aaron more than he loves money and power but at the same time, oh boy does he love money and power! and he makes some fucked up choices around them.

the actual issue of why they broke up is more around obviously rob knocking up rebecca - which happened more because rob was genuinely angry at aaron, angrier than he’d been in such a long time. i’ve spoken about this so many times, but as far as robert was aware at that moment, he’d spent all this time struggling without aaron, unable to sleep, pouring money into a lawyer to try and get him out early and here’s aaron, disregarding all of that, taking drugs and threatening his chances of early release

and aaron going to prison? that’s something aaron did by himself (and ok also finn) that hurt robert and liv. a lot. that’s something that affected them both horrendously that was aaron’s fault. i have a friend whose dad punched someone at work which led to him getting fired and his mum literally up and left him - that level of violence against others really can break up relationships. aaron put someone in hospital and went to prison for it and robert chose to stay and didn’t hold it against aaron - until that one moment of weakness, where everything was a little too much, and he allowed himself to really be angry at aaron for putting them in that situation - and he fucked up massively. because he’s an idiot. and also probably because he has some issues around putting aaron on a pedestal sometimes and seeing aaron itching for more spice and being really very, horribly, awfully human was very very difficult for robert at that moment.

like. aaron put someone in hospital and robert barely said a word to aaron about it. that’s insane. and mirrored in a lot of ways in aaron’s initial reaction to staying with robert after the reveal and finding out about the baby. they both have the worst communication issues and also they are both so desperate to stay with each other that they overlook things that need to be talked about and dealt with. and that’s what’s been getting them in trouble since the moment they got together properly.

anyway, i’m literally more sympathetic towards the ons than i am basically anything else robert has ever done e v e r, which is ironic because that’s the one thing that fucked up robert’s life and ultimately pushed aaron away.

and ok let’s look at what aaron knew, from his side, that was expressed in canon, in the most simplistic form we can:

robert was angry at aaron for taking spice and slept with rebecca to hurt him, regrets it massivelyrebecca is now pregnant and not getting rid of the baby and also not leaving the village or going anywhere robert doesn’t want the baby but also is sort of fucked up about itaaron wants to be with robertaaron thinks robert would be a good dadaaron wants robert to spend time with his child if that’s what robert wants (because he very much loves robert)aaron doesn’t want rebecca to spend time with robert and does not know how to handle the fact that the baby is a reason why that has to happenin fact, rebecca being around is a constant reminder of the worst parts of robert and all those parts that he gave into earlier this yearand she has clearly expressed to aaron that she wanted to steal robert from him aaron has no real reason to trust that robert wouldn’t end up with rebecca despite everything because aaron is only human and its natural to be insecure about ur partner spending time with an ex who they kissed and also slept with in the last yearaaron wants to believe that robert only wants himaaron pushed most of that resentment on rebecca moreso than robert because that was an easier option for himultimately, he also resents robert and it doesn’t take much pushing for him to take that anger out on robert as well as rebecca, with almost deadly consequencesthe whole situation, likely in conjunction with the fact that he’s already experienced a lot of trauma earlier that year in prison which we are reminded of with the jason call back when aaron tries to buy spice again, is horrific for aaron’s mental healthaaron removes himself from the situation - both because he himself is struggling and because he almost killed robert - he says that he doesn’t need this and neither does robert.

i know i’ve seen a lot of people say that robert was the one who was bad for his mental health but it was so so so much more the situation as a whole than it was robert - and the situation was borne out of robert’s horrible decisions and god damn is that why robert needs to sort himself out and stop making horrible decisions on impulse whenever he’s feeling emotions that are hard to handle

- aaron needed to do it, because aaron was in a place where he was reacting with dangerous levels of violence every time he was upset at or about robert

and now robert needs to do it, because…. well, look at the little fucker, throwing himself into getting control of home farm as if that’s going to fill the emptiness in his chest, without any regard for anyone else’s safety or feelings. it’s a miracle no one has died yet (again) as a result of robert’s recklessness and carelessness over the lives of other people - and there have been enough close calls. this isn’t like… a cry of help to aaron though? this isn’t about rob trying to get aaron back lmao. it’s about him thinking he’s lost aaron for good and so deciding to do exactly what he was doing before aaron came along - which was slowly getting home farm and all the money and power that comes along with it. only this time, he’s acting almost deranged, because… well, he’s having a breakdown isn’t he?

for aaron and robert to get back together, aaron needs to continue to be in a place where he won’t resort to violence and robert needs to wake up and realise that being careless about people’s lives and doing what he’s been doing etc etc isn’t a good way to live + whatever else they’re gonna have him face up to lmao

but like? if robert stops being a dick and chasing after money and power at the expense of all the good things in his life (which - if anything could ever teach him that that’s not as emotionally fulfilling a way to live as being with your family and the man you love, i feel like this situation might)? i don’t see why aaron wouldn’t be happy with robert? they’re in love with one another and people can change and better themselves and lbr aaron literally said himself that he still thinks of himself as being in a relationship with rob because emotionally they’re both totally committed to one another.

robert may be a terrible human but he loves aaron and he’s spent a lot of time trying to be better for aaron - he’s saved aaron’s life over and over, is someone aaron wants to spend the rest of his life with, is someone aaron slips work to spend his entire day with, makes aaron laugh, loves aaron’s sister, someone who decorated an entire insane and beautiful house for them to live in, is someone who couldn’t sleep in their bed without aaron in it, someone who thinks that aaron is beautiful inside and out, someone who threw a surprise wedding for aaron because he was panicking about going to prison and needed something to ground him a little, someone who devoted all of his time and energy to supporting aaron through one of the toughest fucking periods of aaron’s life without asking or needing anything in return

robert is awful to most people but most of the time he tries like hell to be the best he can be to aaron and most of the time? he succeeds

sometimes he doesn’t and those are the moments where we internally slap him upside the head but like… that’s also how relationships work, usually

(but also thank christ rob is getting the redemption coma or whatever bc he needs it)

and aaron loves him back - even after everything, aaron defends robert to people, he truly believes in the best parts of robert because he’s seen them, as well as the worst parts - and he’s forgiven the worst parts because that’s what aaron does and that’s not a bad thing or a weakness or something he needs to be gently pushed out of, that’s a beautiful quality in a human being tbh fuck everyone who doesn’t appreciate and respect aaron’s capacity to forgive whilst still sticking up for himself and making sure no one walks over him, because he absolutely would never let anyone walk over him, not even robert - aaron knows his own mind and his own heart and he’s going to do whatever he’s going to do, fuck what anyone else thinks and if that means believing that robert is deserving of his forgiveness, i don’t think that’s something that makes him weak nor is it necessarily even something that takes something away from aaron, that’s hard for him to do or makes him lesser in any way. idk i’m a forgiving person and i get how against the odds easy that can be sometimes, even if it’s not necessarily the best idea always 😂

IM GETTING OFF TRACK BASICALLY AARON LOVES ROBERT AND ROBERT LOVES AARON AND THAT WASNT ENOUGH FOR THEM THIS YEAR - EVERYTHING IMPLODED AND SOMETIMES IT WAS AARON’S FAULT, MORE OFTEN IT WAS ROB’S FAULT AND GOD SOMETIMES IT WAS THE WORLD JUST BEING RELENTLESSLY SHITTY TO THEM AND PILING ON SOME MORE PAIN

BUT WANTING AARON TO BE WITH ROBERT IS NEVER NECESSARILY AS SIMPLE AS “I DISREGARD AARON’S FEELINGS IN FAVOUR OF ROBERT’S” BECAUSE I SECRETLY HATE AARON, BECAUSE TO ME, AARON’S FEELINGS ARE ALWAYS INEVITABLY GOING TO BUILD BACK UP TO WANTING TO BE WITH ROBERT

AND I HAVE A LOT OF RESPECT FOR AARON’S FEELINGS HENCE THE JUSTICE FOR AARON’S FEELINGS 2K17 MOVEMENT THAT I KEEP HAVING TO BRING OUT

but it’s just that that decision to be together again doesn’t necessarily have to turn into the hell that 2017 was for them both

🤷🏻‍♀️ they can be better than that and they can genuinely make one another happy - they just need a better run at it, with less awful impulses towards violence or infidelity or what have you

(and also it’s a soap and their relationship is hella entertaining)

[lucindatalk]

wow wow wow yesterday was way busier than i thought! anyhow, this is lucinda — i’ll chuck up a quick run down then get into replying to starters and sending ims and stuff bc eeeee i’m so excited !!

╰ °✧  ( MIND — WILLAMETTE STONE ) comes on as soon as ( LUCINDA TALKALOT ) comes into the room. she is ( 21 ) and was formally in ( SLYTHERIN ) and are rumored to be sided with the ( NEUTRALS ). some people say they look particularly look like ( VICTORIA JUSTICE ) and would describe theirselves as ( DRIVEN ), but also ( SELF-INTERESTED ).

domestic abuse tw

okay so unlike dorcas, lucinda has a full bio here ( it’s... not short ) but i’ll do some quick points about her here now

born jan 4, 1960 — same year group as the marauders

succeeded emma vanity for slytherin captaincy in 1976 ( her sixth year ) and was captain for two years, the second of which slytherin won the quidditch cup ( sixth year went to gryffindor )

a slytherin prefect but honestly that was probably because she was competent and showed leadership skill in her quidditch life, and didn’t break rules ( mostly bc she felt no need to ), not because she was especially keen to be responsible for anybody else

scouted by several teams, she went to caerphilly catapults, initially as a reserve but now as a starting keeper

she’s quite strategic and observant so keeper suited her well; not only was she a last line of defence, but it kept her removed from the chaos of the pitch and able to observe and analyse what was going on around her ( and sometimes calling out plays and advice to her players )

welsh-puerto rican; fluent in english, spanish, welsh and is pretty good at german ( and good at latin though it’s not something she’d say she... speaks...)

very patient when it comes to long-term planning and dedicated enough to see something through; absolutely not patient when it comes to people she thinks are wasting her time

genuinely liable to just not have people on her radar, like — she takes note of people she thinks it’s relevant to, and she probably knows who more than that are, she just doesn’t care

her uncle ( possible father; her familial situation’s a fucking mess ) is an absolute dick and rich but he’s a squib and Did Not Take Well to magic, even when it’s accidental, and he was older, and larger, and angrier, and she never forgot the way anger could feel when it coursed through something so much larger on its way to making its impact on you. It wasn’t frequent, exactly, but it was varied, and took several forms, but even the threat of it could overwhelm once you knew it was a possibility

she hated fear, and that drove her anger

she learned composure and control from a young age — not young enough to be able to tamp down on accidental magic immediately, but young enough to have control a fair bit before hogwarts. she also learned to control her reactions

( it’s only happened once since she was a kid, when she was “in the way” of him punching a wall, but she’s never learned to swallow the taste of hate in her mouth. she thinks he regrets the last time — when she was a kid, she couldn’t fight back in any way. last time, she was a teenager, and she spewed vitriol at him and she thinks that made it real. she thinks that made him ashamed. she does not care for his shame. it does not change the fury affixed in her veins. )

that’s part of why she loves quidditch so much ??? it’s something she’s good at and it was her ticket out of relying on her uncle like her parents did ( her dad was a wizard, which gave the two brothers a bit of a rivalry, but it meant he never worked for anything particularly ?? he lacked common sense and he knew how great his life was compared to his brother’s, but then his brother actually worked and was successful so when lucinda’s ostensible father showed back up in wales with a new wife, it wasn’t long until he had lost all his money and they had to move in with her uncle, who gave her father a job. meanwhile, lucinda’s mother has always been more attracted to drive, so... lucinda is very unsure which is her father, but she thinks they’re both terrible in different ways, so neither is a particularly good option )

and also, on a base level, the very first time she flew on a broom, it was the first time she felt a sense of power. no matter how much bigger or stronger you were, how much angrier or the size of your fists, you couldn’t catch her on the broom. no matter how old she gets, or if her limbs fail, quidditch will never be anything less than it is: graceful and beautiful and analytical, where you can feel the wind rushing through your hair as you move faster on a broom, so fast that nobody can catch you.

but yeah!! she’s not very patient with people and she will always look out for herself bc her whole childhood was learning that nobody else would do that for you and she hates dependence ( and also subjugation — she hates the idea of house elf ownership, because living creatures deserve agency ), but there is a small circle of people she is dedicated to, and she’d go to bat for them any day

she’s very blunt and doesn’t pull punches and honestly like ??? can absolutely be awful but she has a lot of reasons for the way she is and she doesn’t actively try to hurt people — she just simply doesn’t care enough to pull punches for most of them

she’s also neutral bc she’s a halfblood — if not, she’d probably support death eaters but, having been at a physical disadvantage her entire life against her main opponent, she’s never been one to settle for anything that puts her at an inherent disadvantage, let alone support something that does

she has no interest in fighting for the order, though, bc she doesn’t feel any need to stick herself out on the line for the fight, let alone total strangers. she fights for herself and her very small circle. there aren’t ideals, in her opinion, worth laying down her life for

anyway my girl’s a bit Much sometimes but !! if anyone wants to plot or thread w her plssss lmk

 edit: dorcas’ can be found HERE

[ladyloveandjustice]

The Great Ace Attorney Replay: Dual Destinies DLC, the Finale

TIME TO SAVE SASHA

Phoenix: All right team, let’s do our best! I have faith we can save Sasha together!

Athena: It sure feels nice to be part of a great group like this! I just want to say I really love working here with all you fabulous people. Thanks for bringing me aboard, Boss!

Phoenix: S-Same here Athena. (She’s so earnest, she’s making me blush.)

Athena is an actual angel, I love how much she loves everyone around her and is so happy to be here.

Pearl is SO excited about “forensicking”, now I want her and Ema to hang out.

Athena: My first collaborative work with Pearly!

Their friendship gives me life. (I love how much Athena and Sasha love each other too. Sasha’s like “YOU’RE GREAT” and Athena’s like “NO YOU’RE GREAT.” It’s adorb how Sasha ducked under the partition to cry when we said we’d defend her 2.)

Someone may have poisoned the whale and Athena is PISSED

Athena: WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING TO ORLA. IF I GET MY HANDS ON THEM, I’LL RIP THEM TO SHREDS!

Phoenix is all omg Athena follow the law when it comes to punishment. Now he knows how Miles feels with Kay. They can bond over having daughters who are ready to fite everyone.

Simon comes in to the aquarium all chained up and is like “you don’t care about the defendant you guys are totally just doing this for money don’t lie to me”. 1. Simon do you even know anything about Phoenix he is perpetually on the verge of bankruptcy and 2. you KNOW FOR A FACT Athena became a lawyer for YOU why are you trying to provoke her simon what is your goal with this

PROVOKE HER SIMON DOES! ATHENA IS SO MAD. Her reaction to this is to SPLASH HIM with the water they’re standing near I’m serious. Phoenix is aGHAST.

 “oH NO...SHE HIT HIM WITH THAT WATER....HE DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE THOUGH...?????”

okay though can you just imagine this scene. Simon makes his comment, Athena immediately stomps over to the water, and, looking Simon dead in the eye as she does, splashes him so he is completely drenched. He just stands there, soaked, water dripping off his manacles. His suit is ruined. His hair is sodden. His eyeliner is smudged. His expression doesn’t change at all. It is still completely neutral. His gaze is still locked with Athena, eye contact unwavering. 

Athena also stand there, glaring, for several long seconds and then stomps away. Simon remains where he is, face still utterly blank. Everyone watches this scene unfold with dumbstruck expressions.

TELL ME THAT IS NOT HILARIOUS. HOW DID PHOENIX NOT REALIZE THEY KNEW EACH OTHER.

(This is the kind of Simon and Athena friendship/surrogate family content I want tbh. Simon being all intimidating goth making withering comments and then Athena just...throws water on his face like she disciplining a grumpy cat. Or just drags him away by the ear. And he just resigns himself to it. Everyone is like “HOLY SHIT WHO IS THIS GIRL”)

Okay so we go back to the office and i kid you not, I can just hand Apollo a dead fish as Phoenix and be like “Apollo cook this for me”

Apollo is like “MR. WRIGHT WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU CARRYING THIS” “it’s for the penguin” “THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU JUST GIVE IT TO ME TO COOK” “I dunno I was hungry” aMAZING. I love that even if he’s no longer a hobo, Phoenix is still totally down to fuck with Apollo. Apollo’s like��“jesus if you love raw fish so much then we can just go out for sushi after the case” and Athena and Phoenix are like “YAY APOLLO’S BUYING US SUSHI” and Apollo’s like “I should have never opened my mouth”

APOLLO’S SUFFERING IS ETERNAL

u know actually i was wrong. Apollo is not as screwed over as Athena was in the other dlc. At least he gets to help us and is there as a consulting option.

The fact this dude has a baby penguin living in his hair makes the entire case worth it on its own tbh.

Pearl says she’ll help us by guarding the orca and helping it communicate through court. Rimes is all “omg but it’s dangerous” and Pearl’s basically like “I don’t care I have no fear.” YAY PEARL. TIME FOR COURT. 

The Judge is AGOG over this baby penguin’s cuteness, which offends Simon since he didn’t react that way to Taka. “T-Taka is fine too!”

And NOW there’s a part where we choose to cross-examine the orca. If we choose to cross-examine her the Judge is all “MR. WRIGHT THE ORCA CAN’T TALK” but when we choose the right answer he’s all “aw i thought knowing you you’d cross-examine the orca. i’m kinda bummed it didn’t happen”. WELL IT COULD HAVE IF YOU’D LET ME JUDGE! MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

Phoenix was all “oh no what should i do” so Athena OBJECTed on his behalf and told him she’s speaking up for him bc she knows he hasn’t given up! At which point he’s all “YEAH TIME TO GO BACK TO THE OLD WRIGHT WAY” and what is the Wright way? CROSSEXAMINING ANIMALS, DUH. TIME TO INTERROGATE AN ORCA.

Here’s Orla’s all-important testimony: “fweeet fweet fweet! fwe wrrr click fweet!”

I think it’s really important that Phoenix refers to the orca as “Ms. Shipley”. iirc the aa movie confirmed for me he refers to the parrot as “Sayuri-san” in the Japanese version, confirming this is a thing he does to all animals he cross-examines.

Simon: If you continue this mockery, I will subject you to forty lashes with a wet fish.

Athena: Not a wet noodle? That just sounds...fishy.

Phoenix: Hey, Speaking from experience, anything is better than forty lashes with a whip.

Franziska lives on in all our hearts.

Athena: Oooh, doesn’t Orla sing beautifully?

Simon: Hmmph! Taka’s singing voice is much more melodic and clear!

Phoenix: (Meh. Neither one should quit their day job.)

It’s a good thing Phoenix didn’t say that out loud, I’m fairly sure Simon would have actually killed him.

One thing I like about this case is that nobody involved in it is a jerk deep down, which is rare for Ace Attorney. Norma is really abrasive, but when she finds out she was mistaken about what she thought and wrote, she really regrets it and gives us information because she just wants the truth. She even decides to publish a book to correct it and goes out of her way to advocate for the aquarium and help out. She takes her job seriously. Herman is also abrasive, but turns out to really care about the animals and others and helps us out. 

And then even “the real culprit” turns out to not be a murderer- he just did something that led to an accidental death. He tried to frame the orca because he thought it killed his gf and would kill again for the murder and that was his only crime He was very adamant about not letting Sasha take the blame for the murder, though. He even tried to SAVE the victim when he fell. So he goes to jail for a few months but comes back- basically things turn out okay for everyone. It’s a pretty feel good case for Phoenix’s comeback, and I found myself liking all the characters involved to an extent- or at least respecting them as people with principals. Also, that orca is cute. It’s a cute case overall, even if it’s nothing incredible.

And with that, I AM DONE!!! DONE WITH THE ACE ATTORNEY REPLAY. It’s been a long road, but a good one. I was glad to revisit everything.

NEXT: PROFESSOR LAYTON V PHOENIX WRIGHT! TOTES NEW CONTENT. I can’t wait.

[whatitdobabybew]

Anxious and stressed

I’m so anxious. It’s like I can never catch a break with myself.

I put what seems like unrealistic goals infront of me and just hope I can actually pull through it. Like right now I’m stressing another apartment because I’m unsure if my roommate is going to want to room with me anymore. Every time I bring the topic up she gets quite and I just can’t live like that, like I need to know. I need security I hate having my future up in the air. It makes me resent her a tiny bit honestly.

So with that I have this unreasonable fear of having to move back to my parents house and that’s something I can’t do. And I think that’s where all my anxiety is stemming from. I love my family. I do. But my parents relationship is so unhealthy and my father is seriously the worst person to live with.

I sometimes wonder if I’m like him. Like with my roommate. I don’t want to be like him towards her.

Sometimes I get annoyed because she’s just careless and doesn’t clean up after herself at all.

She was having a couple of glasses of wine with her boyfriend and then goes upstairs and leaves the glasses there on the floor. I wanted to call her downstairs and be like look bitch these are the things that I’m talking about. But honestly it’s not even worth it. She gets super defensive and has a nasty little attitude.( or maybe I’m just fucking sensitive) And I just don’t want to deal with that bullshit. I sometimes laugh to myself and think damn this is my karma, because I was the exact same way at my house. But I was comfortable in doing that.

Maybe my roommate is just comfortable in being messy. But I’m not. Don’t leave the living space a mess. Clean up. Even if it’s not your mess. She is so careless that she forgets her own messes and idk if I should just laugh about it or get upset. I honestly don’t even know what to do. I can’t talk about it with anyone because she’s my friend at the end of the day and with out her I wouldn’t be where I am. Like I have an awesome town house apartment with rent being cheap as fuck for Miami. I guess this is the price I pay. But it’s worth it. I would literally prefer having to pick up after someone than live with my family again.

Wow this feels great. To actually write out my thoughts. And reflect. It gives me insight on myself I feel like I can read this back to myself and then just give myself advice. I mean I give everyone advice why can’t I reflect inwardly and do the same?

Ugh idk I’m a mess, also on the brink of getting my period so god knows my emotions and sensitivity is at a all time high. I hate being understanding. Sometimes I just don’t want to be. But it’s common sense. If I think things logically and not let my emotions get the best of me then I’ll be ok. But that’s easier said than done you know. I’m a wreck if I can’t talk about things like this with someone. I mean most of the time I just need to talk to someone just so that they can hear me out and let me know I’m heard or maybe if I’m being to irrational or emotional, I need others perspectives from time to time but ultimately I’ll always side with what sits right with me.

Like the other day I did something I wish I wouldn’t have. I went to my superior at work because I was upset and felt uncomfortable with my manager. But lowkey I really wanted her to get reprimanded. Whatever she ended up not really getting told anything and then me and her had a talk and then I pulled tears out of my ass to just have her overlook everything. I know I’m a manipulative asshole but that bitch controls my schedule and my money. I don’t think I’ll ever do that again tho to be completely honest. Sometimes you just got to take the L and let karma or whatever force or entity you want to call it just take care of it. Plus she’s a mother raising her son and who the fuck am I to fuck her life up like that. That brought me a bunch of guilt, not only that but my roommate was pissed because she didn’t want to be in the middle of it because she knows how petty my manager is. I should have listened to her honestly. I wish I could talk to her openly about things but idk I don’t think she cares.

Oh and last but not least of my anxieties..... drum roll please .... ITS ABOUT A GUY.

I know surprising right? Haha

Yea so I’m obsessed with this guy who has been coming into the bar I work at frequently.

I don’t know what it is about this guy but I’m soooooo enticed by him.

But Venus is in retrograde ahahhhhhhhh I’m over it. Like whyyyyyyyy. Whatever I’m going to have fun writing this out so here we go. Btw there are two guys actually maybe three or four? Actually I really shouldn’t be stressing right now because I’ve just realized I have so many other options that if this one didn’t work out I could totally just go to any of the other guys and be completely content for the moment being. Whatever, I guess I use guys but I just want to be loved and wanted ok. I have major daddy and mommy issues.

ANYWAYS this guy lol

So it was just an average shift on an average day of the week. Like nothing significant or different besides that this day I actually did my make up and my hair was looking fabulous. Besides the point. I was feeling myself and was very confident somewhat. So I was behind that bar working it , I knew I was going to at least break $200 easily. So I wasn’t to worried about anything back there. UNTIL this fucking guy walks in. And my god when I saw him I just was like omg. Idk I was instantly attracted to him and of course like the stupid idiot that I am I didn’t talk to him at all. Haha I was way to nervous. This guy was so cute. He has such a gorgeous smile and his eyes idk I was super infatuated from the moment I saw him I even had my manger check him out for me like who am iiiiiiiiiiii.

Anyways I couldn’t tell if he was tall so I figured he was short so I just canceled him and payed no mind to him. Mind you I’m 5’8. I’m working the bar and my other coworker is talking to them and whatever and he’s like lowkey trying to get my attention with out being to obvious but come on I notice everything. Or so I think I do. But I pay no mind to him or his friend. Then as they leave I notice how tall he is and instantly my attraction to him grew. As they were leaving we teased them and was like why are you guys leaving and they tell us that they will be back. I didn’t really believe it like how and why would this guy come back he’s so out of my league. But guess what he comes back and this time with two more friends. Long story short I ignore them again. Take care of everyone else but them. And that’s when he starts saying things. He talks loud enough for me to hear him but then gets quite when I look. Childish but extremely charming. It’s playful and fun and I love a good tease. Even if it’s innocent. So whatever they’re talking to us and he asks me where I’m from, nonchalantly. At first I thought he was asking my coworker but then he was like no you where are you from and then I told him, then he told his friend that he liked “Becky” which happens to be my name. And I causally nonchalantly say yea most guys do, and I walk away lol. His expression was priceless. I loved it. Later we get on the topic of age and I tell them I’m 24 and he kinda seems shocked like yea no way. Then I ask him how old he is and he won’t tell me he just smiles and looks away and I tease him and tell him that he seems to be taking quite a while to tell me his age, what he doesn’t know how old he is? And he just doesn’t say anything so I notice that I put him on the spot so to ease it I start asking his friends and they go down the line and then when I get to him he asks me to guess, I guess to see what I think about him, and so I answered that he was 12 and moved on to his other friend and they all started laughing. That’s my way of flirting with him. So then they are all laughing and he tells me that I got the second number right, so I ask him 22? And he just nods his head and says yea and I just go all out and talk baby to him. I’m like ahhhhhhh how cute look at that face he’s only 22. I know he got shy when I did that but I loveddddd it. He was trying to show me that age was nothing and that he was a great time. When I handed him his check he asked me if that was my number and I laughed and said yea and him and his friend both went to grab it. Haha I was kinda like in shock by that reaction. But then I teased and said if you want my number you’re going to have to ask for it. Lol

His friend was like he wants your number just give it to him and I said he has to ask me and that I would eat him up , referencing to his age. And he was just next to him acting like he didn’t hear me. And so I write my number and give it to my coworker and she hands it to them and idk what happened I got shy and went to the back, I didn’t even say bye. I was scared of rejection more than anything

So they left that day and I just couldn’t stop thinking about him. I text my roommate all about him and she’s like an FBI agent, we looked up his universtity and luckily he was on one of the sports team which thank god Bc there was no way I would ever have found him. So we look at the roster find out his name and boom I find most of his social media. By the second day I just couldn’t hold myself back and added him on insta and he added me immediately back.... I was in shock. Then he comes into my job again for the third time in a week and he’s with his family this time. He tells his waitress to tell me that he’s there, so I go to the table and it was awkward af he tried to play it cool but I definitely put him on the spot lol so whatever he tells me he ordered a drink and that he wanted me to make it. So I do and give it to him. And then that’s it. As he’s leaving I see him and I wave goodbye. And he waves bye too and all his boys are rubbing his shoulders like he won something it was cute.

Fast forward a couple of days he’s in my DMs not to consistent but consistent enough. And we talk a couple of times back and forth. Then he asks me what my work schedule is. And so the next time I worked guess who showed up? His two friends, I recognize them and greet them and take care of them get there bill discounted and as they leave I tell them bye nice seeing you guys again, and just as they were leaving I tell them tell your friend I said hi, and they were like oh we will but he’s going to be here later we will be back. And then later came and he was there. AND I GOT SUPER NERVOUS AND MADE MYSELF SEEM BUSY. Ugh . He would call me over occasionally just to talk and his friends just ruined it lol saying he was playing backwards. That he was playing hard to get and I jokingly say well aren’t I supposed to be playing hard to get and he’s just quite put on the spot and I can tell he’s uncomfortable so I just laugh it off and change the subject for him. But uh he was winking at me and flirting so hard and I had no where to hide because hello I work At a bar that’s shaped like a horse show.

So whatever he leaves and I get kinda sad and am like wow you’re leaving? And he tells me he would be back the next day and well he never did. But then guess what today he went in and my coworkers obviously know who he is because hello he’s been coming in for me lol. And they said he was looking for me like looking around and I thought that was really sweet. But idk what am I to do? That’s it

And here I am letting it get the best of me. I start doubting myself like maybe he doesn’t like me ? Maybe I’m just way to over my head reading things incorrectly but then again why would his friends just say all of that. Idk I hope he comes in again or something I want to get to know him I want to know what’s his deal. But I’m super nervous. That anxious little voice gets the best of me. And I just need it to stop. I need to stop slef sabotaging myself. I always do this. I did the same thing with manny, I was doubting him so much, like why would he want to be with someone like me? And I demanded that he would tell me how he felt about me I needed him to constantly re assure me that he liked me and honestly, if I met someone who was like that with me I would really curve that like I can’t deal with that. So I don’t blame for that relationship to end the way it did.

So I need to stop. Just let things go and stop over reading the small details and just let things happen naturally, if he really is interested I feel like he will show it and I know I will reciprocate. But time will deal all of this.

I wish I could just get a little glimpse of the future or some reassurance. But I will never get that. I can’t think that I can control everything. So I kinda need to fucking stop.

So yea there are my lists of anxieties and what’s been occupying my mind the most. I would talk about the other guys but they’re not that important yet.

[fashiontrendin-blog]

3 Mothers on Why They Chose to Get Abortions

http://fashion-trendin.com/3-mothers-on-why-they-chose-to-get-abortions/

3 Mothers on Why They Chose to Get Abortions

The decision to terminate a pregnancy is never easy, but it’s one millions of women have faced. Whether influenced by medical complications or personal reasons that range from emotional to economical, no two situations are alike. As women’s rights to govern their own bodies are debated in the public sphere, the need to educate ourselves and each other on what governance truly looks like, beyond the clichés we see in the movies, feels especially urgent. Below are three anonymous as-told-to stories that lend depth to just one subset of women who have chosen not to carry pregnancies to term: mothers.

An Unwanted Pregnancy a Year After a Wanted One

I have a three-year-old daughter and, at the end of February, my son turned one. After he was born, I was trying different birth control methods because I was having some hormone imbalances and irregular periods. I was also dealing with some postpartum anxiety and depression, so I was trying to get that all straightened out. I got on a pill for a while that I didn’t love and missed periods on, but I continued to take it consistently. At the end of May, when my period was late, I didn’t think anything of it, but I was at Target and grabbed a pregnancy test just to give myself peace of mind. It came back positive.

I was dumbfounded. I’m not sure I totally believed birth control failed. When I heard 99% effective, I assumed the other 1% must just not be using it correctly. I had some judgments there. Suddenly though, I was in that 1%. That was humbling.

I work full time, and I had also just been elected into a public position through a pretty high-profile election process. One of the reasons I decided to run was because of the November presidential election and what I would call an assault on women’s rights, as well as a number of other things. So with two promotions at work, plus this new public role, plus two kids under the age of three, it was just really overwhelming. My daughter was jumping on the trampoline and my son was demanding to be picked up and my husband was at a work dinner and I was like, Oh my god, what am I going to do? And all those things hit me at once.

I think when you’re already a mom and you’re looking at an unexpected pregnancy, there are two sides. You know what it feels like to love a kid and to see your baby for the first time. You know the amazingness of watching a child come into the world and start to grow up and learn new things. But you also have a very deep understanding of the cost of that additional person, from an economic, emotional and time standpoint. Obviously the actual cost is not insignificant — you’re looking at another $350 a week in daycare expenses in addition to what you’re already paying, plus all the food and everything else. But I think what it came to for me was I thought adding one more thing would break me.

Women can’t have full economic justice without having access to choice.

I told my husband when he came home that night, and his initial reaction was, “I think we could be a good family of five.” He’s always been very pro-choice, like me, but he immediately went to that moral argument of: We don’t have a good enough reason to end this pregnancy, as if the financial or emotional wasn’t good enough. But I think I knew fairly early on that the right thing to do at this moment in our lives was not to have a pregnancy. We’d taken all the necessary precautions. So after my husband and I weighed the pros and cons, we sat with it. I had to reframe the “my body, my choice” — because we needed to make the decision together.

After a few days we came to the conclusion that it didn’t make sense for us to have another baby right then. A lot of it was about mental load and the capacity of our family to take that on. The impact on my mental health, my family, everybody, it was too much. The mental load you carry as a mom is such a weight to bear. The act of loving someone at that level and being responsible for other humans at that level is so significant. You can’t always make room for more. When you hear people trying to convince women to keep pregnancies by giving them free diapers and a stroller, I think: That’s nice, thats helpful, but taking on the lifelong responsibility for another human life is almost laughable in comparison to what two packs of diapers can provide. The mental load is huge.

I think in some ways my experience has taken some of the histrionics out of abortion for me. I’m much more in tune with the logic of it now, and the economic justice of it. We can’t lose sight of that: Women can’t have full economic justice without having access to choice. We will ultimately pay the price if we don’t have that access. This experience has christened that for me. For my husband, it’s made him much more vocal about being pro-choice. I think it’s important to have men be vocal.

The state I live in has some pretty bad laws, and people protest in front of our Planned Parenthood. Having people shout things at you and make judgments about you and your life is painful…but also very silly. They think you haven’t thought of these things already and that shouting, “YOU’RE A MURDERER,” at you will make you go back to your car? It’s such a hateful act to me. It’s not a decision anyone wants to make.

And then I contrast that to the care I received inside. I think the people who go to work there every day — nurses and counselors who have to give patients false information because the state requires it — are the most amazing, caring people. They walk in every day and face literal physical danger to make sure we have access to this service. I remember in the middle of the procedure, there was someone who said, “I’m just here to hold your hand if you need anything.”

In some ways in makes me feel like I need to stay here and fight the good fight, but I’m also like, Get me out of here.

Two Abortions, Two Very Different Circumstances

I had my first abortion when I was a teenager, 16. I wasn’t flippant about it — I put a lot of thought into it, but the decision to get an abortion was very clear cut for me. I knew what I wanted to do. I only told my boyfriend and my mom; they were both really supportive. My mom especially so, because she knew what being pregnant as a teen was like. She had me when she was 16, and I know that had a big impact on her life and mine, and that wasn’t something I was ready for. My mom is a hippie, and my entire life she taught me to know myself, be in tune with myself, follow my instincts, and so I really felt like I made the best decision. It wasn’t something that weighed on me.

A couple years later, I got pregnant again. I was 17 then, and still felt unprepared, but unprepared in a way where I thought I could step up and make it work. That felt different. There were moments of weighing my options; I was not in a great relationship at the time, and knew that I was going to have to raise the child alone. I was fairly responsible, but when you’re that age, there’s still so much to learn. I was lucky, though, in that I’d tested out of high school early, and that meant I had a lot of time to have fun experiences. I fit a lot into those years, and I think that was helpful. In the end, I felt like it was something I could do and be good at, so I changed my life around and had my son at 18.

By my mid-20s, I was married. By then I was working in fashion, and the hours were really demanding. When I got pregnant with my daughter, I decided I wanted to spend more time at home, stop traveling so much, and stop working such crazy hours. So I decided to leave my job. That ended up being kind of a perfect storm, though, because I had a lot of my identity tied up in my career. Also, my relationship with my husband changed really drastically when we had my daughter, and I think there was a touch of postpartum depression going on as well. I spiraled. I put myself on auto-pilot to take care of everybody else, but emotionally I was just in a really dark place.

That continued for a couple of years. I felt really isolated. I started questioning my marriage and my place in the world. I was really anxious, and during this time, because I had stopped working to stay with the kids, we had to make a lot of cutbacks to make it work. One of those was health insurance, and not having health insurance made it very hard to get birth control. The only kind I could afford were pills and patches, both of which I had negative experiences with in the past. My husband and I resorted to alternative forms of BC as a result. And then, in January of this year, I found out I was pregnant again. It was the first time in 10 years that my husband and I had an unwanted pregnancy, and we’re still not totally sure what went wrong.

When I was pregnant with our daughter, we were ecstatic, but this time, we were both like, fuck.

At 16, it felt very cut and dry: I was not capable of raising a child, I would give a child a horrible life, this is just bad for everybody involved. This time around though, I was married, we had kids, we had a stable home. Not wanting the pregnancy felt selfish. It weighed on me in a different way; it was so difficult. But what it really came down to was the fact that I felt like my mental health was deteriorating, and I didn’t really know how to fix that, and I just thought: What if this gets worse? We also didn’t have the space, we didn’t have the money. I thought: If we tax ourselves further, is that something I can mentally and emotionally handle? I just didn’t think I could. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t just break down and leave everyone depending on me in the lurch.

My husband was very supportive. He said, “This is your body, you’re the person who will have to deal with all the changes and I respect what you want to do.” When I was pregnant with our daughter, we were ecstatic, but this time, we were both like, Fuck.

Deciding to ultimately have an abortion drastically changed my life. Going through that process of looking at my life and evaluating what made my life unfit to bring a child into really set forth some positive changes. I’d been going through the motions, not really thinking about what in my life was making me feel so fragile. After that, I did a lot of work on myself and have brought myself to a place where mentally, physically and emotionally, I’m a lot healthier.

If I’d had the child, I just don’t know how much longer I would have gone on feeling depressed and broken and not doing anything about it. It shook up my life. And I ended up finding out there was a program in my state that made a free IUD accessible to me. I had no idea it was there. It wasn’t publicized or I would have known I had access to that beforehand and I never would have needed an abortion in the first place.

Ever since, I’ve been looking into ways to help make people aware of what their options are. I’ve reached out and talked to friends about abortions and topics that I previously would have kept to myself. I think it’s something more women need to talk to each other about.

An Illegal Procedure in Exchange for Freedom

I was a medical student in Germany when I got pregnant. I was 24, I should have known better, but I was just very ignorant; I didn’t have anyone to talk to about birth control or anyone to confide in in terms of my sexuality. I was in a very insecure place in terms of my future, and was not in a good relationship at all. There was absolutely no question that I would not go through with the pregnancy.

I found a physician who performed abortions for women, in his office in the city where I was going to medical school. Everything went very smoothly, then I was discharged, went home and that was that. I never had any regrets about it because I didn’t want to have anything tying me to that relationship.

This was 1969. Abortion was still illegal in the United States and in Germany, too. Germany, at that time, was a much more liberal society. The fact that it was illegal was an imposition on what people really wanted. It was a law that was not respected.

I was able to be a much more productive and socially useful person than if I had been forced into motherhood.

I had children much later. I was the oldest of many children and my mother died when I was 14. I’d had a lot of responsibility to take care of my younger siblings and wasn’t really interested in having children until I was much older. My son was born when I was 39 and my daughter before I turned 41.

Not having a child at 24 meant I did not have to maintain a connection with a toxic relationship. It allowed me to move on. It allowed me to have my career and finish my education and to move about freely without any kind of inhibition or responsibility toward someone other than myself. That’s putting it in a self-centered way, but I never had any qualms about that being the right decision because I was able to be a much more productive and socially useful person than if I had been forced into motherhood.

I think any abortion occurs in a context, and the context is really what determines the ability or the need to keep or terminate a pregnancy, whether it’s a financial need, economic need, health need or relationship need. What are the actual conditions? What are the possibilities? And out of what kind of a relationship does the pregnancy happen? If you’re in a toxic relationship, keeping a pregnancy has an effect on you and the child for the rest of life..

The current debate around reproductive rights is disenfranchising women. It’s re-establishing patriarchy in the domestic realm. It’s disrespectful of a woman’s right to choose, which is a very difficult choice. I think abortion is extremely different from any other kind of medical procedure. There is a real moral and ethical challenge, but I think that responsibility and weight should be taken in context to how it affects a woman and her world, her relationships, her career, her life plan.

Collages by Louisiana Mei Gelpi. 

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